Written by a good friend and the author of “Why do I still care?” Comparing the two entries, it’s evident that he has learned a lot about himself – and offers advice that I need to learn as well.

Ever broken up and wished and hoped that someday you and your ex will get back together? You start to treat that him/her right, converse, and try to begin anew. However none of that matters if the same arguments that have occurred in the past continue to occur.

Even if everything seems amicable, old conflict will hold you back. You absolute have to move on in order to begin the healing process. You have to let go of the things that made you two argue in the first place. You have to be willing to forgive and must be more understanding and forgiving. Trust plays a huge role as well. However, even if you do everything right, the other person may find someone else. In that case, do not get angry, do not get mad, and do not be jealous. Congratulate your ex for finding someone else he/she cares about.

You cannot wait for the other person forever. In fact, you should not wait at all. You will only depress yourself and waste other opportunities that lie ahead. If you two were meant for each other, things will work themselves out. Being jealous will guarantee that things will not work out. It’s best to simply move on, enjoy life, and grow so that the next time you two encounter each other, you will be a much better person.

I’ve been stuck in such a cycle. I’ve moved on, I’m letting things go, but the arguments continue. There can be no way of getting back together if that keeps up. For several weeks now things were going uphill, and everything seems to be going great. And yet, the same stupid arguments have not let up. One day, a huge argument broke out which was basically the same as the arguments of the past, and continued the same old crap that had always kept the relationship back. It seems like something I cannot escape. To break the cycle either my ex or I have to change, and I cannot rely on my ex for that. I have full control over my own actions, and thus it is up to me.

If you’re stuck in such a cycle, remember that you have the power to change it, but it takes a lot of effort, and a lot of patience. You cannot expect immediate results, and it could take years. That’s what I’ll be doing, putting in more effort, and having a great deal more patience. I refuse to give up.

Recently, I managed to make my computer look like this:

Beautiful, no?

Being the technological ogre that I am, I believed it my duty to share with others how I keep my computer in such good shape. Below are five scenarios that actually happened to me; imagine yourself in my shoes and you will be on your way to computer guru-ness in no time!

Five ways to keep your computer in ship shape:

1. You’re already 5 minutes late for class and the professor talks so fast that even if you furiously type you can never catch everything she says. You haphazardly pack the computer in your backpack and bike to class. When you return to your dorm, you’re so relieved and reflexively toss your backpack to the ground. Oops, looks like you forgot to place the laptop in its protecting sleeve.
2. You’re in the library writing your final paper when the “low battery” warning starts flashing. As you uncoil your adapter, you look around but the only plug is across the space between your desk and the wall meant for others to walk past. “Whatever,” you tell yourself, “they can walk around”. As you sip your coffee, you suddenly have to pee, and run towards the bathroom. Hear that? That’s the sound of you tripping over your cord and your laptop crashing to the floor.
3. It’s finals week, and you’ve got a major paper and tests to study for. You can’t afford to spend any time goofing around, even for dinner. You grab some grub from the dining hall and carry it back to your room. You also stockpile some extra for breakfast so that you don’t have to swipe your card twice. The next morning, you sleepily reach for your alarm and knock over your cranberry juice in the process… all over your keyboard.
4. This one is more about a phone than a computer, but – Once in a while, everyone experiences a crapper that just takes forever. Thinking this might take a while, naturally you will take out your iphone to stave off boredom. As you finally finish, you put your phone back in your jacket pocket, turn around and bend over to flush. Suddenly you hear a plop, just as you realize that your pocket got lighter.
5. This last one is the most recent. It’s 3 am and you’ve been trying to fall asleep for hours. Probably you’re too stressed out about the MCAT, so you take out your computer and decide to watch some TV shows to let off steam. Around 6 am, you start to get tired – too tired to walk and put your computer on the desk. It just so happens that the nightstand, which is within reach, is already covered by other stuff you were too lazy to put away under the same circumstances : hair things, books, pens, etc. You decide the only solution is to leave it on the ground by the bed, since you’ll just pick it up the next morning anyway. As you roll out of bed, you hear a crack and look down.

Follow all of this advice, and your computer will look just like mine! Guaranteed!

I love my white board. This blog is (almost) just like an electronic version of my white board. Ok, so I can’t draw organic chemistry molecules quite as easily, and people can’t pass by and doodle penises on it, but it’s pretty good at helping me to solve problems. I come to my white space with a puzzle, and start writing whatever is on my mind. By the end, no matter how roundabout, I’ve come (at least closer) to some sort of conclusion.

Many writers think that writing has to be about the end. Of course, we’ve all been trained to write that way in school, and for good reason. A professor would look dubiously on a thesis that presented its arguments haphazardly, and only reached a conclusion in the last paragraph. But not all writing is thesis writing. There is value in the thinking process. We all go through the thinking process, but we just don’t always record it for others to see.

I must admit that I have also fallen susceptible to focusing only on the ends. Sometimes when I write a post, I think and pre-write for a long time until I actually figure out what to say, then I delete everything write everything again in a logical and organized way. But I must remind myself of the purpose of this blogs. I’m not trying to convince anybody of anything. I’m trying to figure out my life for myself and share something of value to one or two people along the way.

Oh, I just caught myself doing it. Scrolling up to check if my previous paragraphs made sense. I pledge from now on in this entry to never use the scroll up button.

I guess this could be a metaphor for my life. I’m constantly trying to present myself as the final, mature, product, but the truth is that my life is like this empty wordpress space, still being filled and worked and reworked. I shouldn’t be embarassed or ashamed to make mistakes, appear immature, come off as less than perfect, because to do so is to assume something that I am not.

Take for example, a mentor, anybody – your boss, your professor, a professional in your aspiring field. I work with a doctor who just seems to be perfect; perfect job, perfect husband; perfect life. All I see is the perfect product, but how did she get from A to B? How do I get from me to her? It’s so intimidating, but if someone showed me the imperfections that occurred in her career then it wouldn’t be so bad. We work so hard to hide our imperfections – but we shouldn’t, because others can gain something valuable from them.

In fact, that is the whole premise of this blog. I know that I have a lot that I need to improve on. This blog was initiated because I made mistakes. I know that some people will judge me. I suspect that one day, the material will be used against me (job interview, med/grad school admission). But I’ve tried to be as open and sincere about everything because I believe that someone, somewhere, can learn from my experience.

Wow, this post started off as an entry about whiteboards, and ended up as a discussion of imperfection. Forgive me if my mind seemed to wander, because it did.

mood 6/ physical tiredness 5 /spiritual tiredness 4 -Pretty good mood today because I got a lot done and I started talking to my ex again. However, it is 3 am and I still don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, not to say, tomorrow.

I love you, white board. I love how blank you are at first, inviting me, almost challenging me, to deface it with a problem that you can’t solve. I love hearing the click when I remove the cap of the expo marker and stick it to the end. I love the feel of the dry-erase tip as I invest my entire body in sweeping motions to plant words and pictures on the board. Yes, I even love you enough to bear that signature smell of dry-erase.

I love switching colors! Writing new ideas in purple, pink, and teal! I love how when I am sidetracked, I can section part of you off for doodling. Before I know it, I have my entire masterpiece on a simple slab of whiteboard. Yes, you’ve done it once again; you’ve amazed me with your ability to turn any puzzle into clarity, to turn writer’s block into inspiration.

I love how I can hang you in the hallway, empty; and by the end of the week, you are full with new creations contributed by my neighbors. I love how I can hang you on my door, leaving you to deal with unwelcome guests by telling them, “I’m not here”; or how I can trust you to pass the message “Be right back!” to my friends. You’ve always been there for me in the middle of the night through the papers and the problem sets. You probably know more about organic chemistry and physics than I do.

I love how when I erase, I can still see ghosts of the remnants of my writing. I love how when I erase, I get to do that all over again.

How to make the best use of your whiteboard:

• Get one. duh
• Hang it in a convenient location. If you can’t see or reach it, you won’t use it.
• Invest in multiple colored markers. You can organize your thoughts, and at the least it makes your writing look prettier.
• Buy multiple whiteboards of varying sizes. Use one on your dorm door to leave messages for others, or let them leave messages for you. Use a large one to solve extensive problems (you can keep this in the closet and take it out on those nights before problem sets are due). Hang a medium size one on top of your desk to remind you about important deadlines, goals, or just to have a good quote to start your day.
• Most inventive use of a whiteboard I’ve ever seen? Someone living in my house lived on the first floor with a window next to the bike rack. Every morning when I went to unlock my bike, their whiteboard was propped against the window with a funny fact or quote.
• My whiteboard fantasy? To cover an entire room with whiteboard, even the floor and ceiling.

A nomad I will remain for life, in love with distant and uncharted places. 

Isabelle Eberhardt, Swiss writer/explorer

I’ve always been enchanted by nomads, a people so in tune with their identity that it is focused from within rather than tied down to any particular place.

Despite my childhood fascinations, I’ve learned through these past few days that I don’t think the nomad way of life is for me. I was stupid enough to book a ticket back to California three weeks before the start of school without arranging housing. I can’t move into my dorm until September 17, so I figured I would just let the tide sweep me wherever, and it would all work out in the end. Now, I’m in the midst of rotating between the goodwill of my friends and living out of my tiny carry-on suitcase until September 1st, when I move into the hallway of a pot-reeking house down the highway.  

I’m back on campus to work on my senior honors thesis. Originally I thought that the sooner I came back to campus, the sooner I could start working. But actually, the uncertainty of not settling down keeps nagging at me, preventing me from doing any real work. Instead, I sleep until past noon, when I finally wake up and walk to the computer lab to check my email. Somehow, a few hours pass and my hosts come back home to have dinner. Then a few more hours pass, and I don’t know how I’ve managed to occupy myself for an entire day before we’re all going to bed. Finally, after being unable to sleep for a few hours, I sneak downstairs to use the computer until late at night, and the cycle repeats itself. Of course I’m very appreciative for a place to stay, and I’m more than willing to follow all of these courtesies. However, it’s just not the same as having a place of your own.

All I want is a place to call Home: a place that I can be myself, where I can follow my own schedule; a place I can return to whenever I need; a place where I can leave my stuff and not live out of a tiny carry-on suitcase; predictability; emotional stability; peace.

How many times can one person endure being put down by another? What if the one putting you down is the same one you are in love with?

My boyfriend broke up with me over a year ago, but I still cling to his memory. Even though he always reminds me that there is no future for us, I still reach out to him.

The past few months have probably been too good to be true. I took a chance and dialed his number, but this time, instead of telling to move on, he actually called me back; and kept calling back. I can’t believe that eventually, he even liked me again, and invited me to visit him at school. We spent an amazing week together, waking up to lazy weekends, visiting the park, playing computer games – it didn’t really matter what we were doing, just that we were doing it together. When I was with him, I felt safe from all the forces of the outside world. When I was with him, I felt like no matter what happened to me, everything would be alright. He was my otter, he made me feel carefree.

When he told me that he wanted to come visit me, I started dreaming of apartments,  cars, and dogs that we would share together. I started thinking about whether I should buy or rent a car to pick him up from the airport, whether to book a hotel, how to have a perfect weekend. But I also wanted something more. I wanted to be loved in return.

But in the end, it’s always the same.

I opened myself up to him, and he didn’t want me.

It’s times like these that I wish I had kept a diary when I was younger. So that I could look back and remind myself why exactly it was that I wanted to be a doctor again. It’s funny how I’ve been so passionate about my motivations, and then the night before the day that I need it, I realize that I’ve taken it for granted for so long that I forgot what it was in the first place.

This is MCAT take II. Mission: complete the test. Yeah, I’ve dropped my bar pretty low, I mean, who can expect to get a high score when I couldn’t even finish the test the first try? It’s time for me to move on with my life, because I’ve let this one test occupy me for too long. I don’t need to go to a good med school, I just need to go to one.

After the whole exploding-egg-walking-out-on-MCAT fiasco, I wasn’t quite sure what to do next.

At first I felt ashamed of myself for not being able to finish the MCAT on the day that I registered for. My mom kept asking me to move the test date back so that I would have more time to prepare, but I kept telling her that I would be ready. Everybody called and emailed me beforehand wishing me good luck, and congratulated me afterwards- and I had to embarassedly explain that I never finished the test.

Now I realize that stepping out was not only the right decision but the brave one. All my life I have been trained to push myself harder no matter how extenuating the circumstances. Once in elementary school, I contracted severe poison ivy which swelled my entire face, but I still wanted to go to school. If I had indeed forced myself to finish the entire exam with a fever, my score would not have reflected my actual capabilities. Sometimes I just have to know when to step down.

I’ve registered for an exam on Friday, Aug 21 – in about a week. This time, it is a 2pm exam, so hopefully sleeping should not be a problem for me. I will also have a little bit more time to prepare, and should not feel as stressed. Hopefully the second time around should go smoothly, as long as I take care of myself and stay away from microwaved eggs.

5/5/3 Took a week break from MCAT studying, and about to go eat Primanti Brothers burgers for half off — yumm!

8:00 am Wednesday. 15 nervous yet eager aspiring doctors walk into the Prometric testing center on Old Lee Highway.

9:00 am. Already one of them walks out. She has had a nervous breakdown and canceled her test with only the first section completed.  After calling her mom to pick her up, she lies on the front lawn, crying and hating herself for being too weak.

What circumstances led the poor unfortunate girl to this state?

4:00 pm Monday. Happy with the 40 on her practice test, she feels ready-to-go and confident for the actual test. In a cheerful mood, she banters into the kitchen to find some study fuel and finds a warm hard-boiled egg in the microwave. She innocently raises the egg towards her mouth and bites down.

!!

The egg explodes in her face, burning her upper lip and right cheek. Her lip immediately swells until it looks like she had just gotten a collagen injection. Faced with this painful nuisance, she shrugs and continues to study. It’s just physical pain – no reason to let it affect the MCAT.

10:00 pm Tuesday. Like a good student, she prepares to go to bed, but a nagging headache is keeping her up. She tries listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack, but doesn’t fall asleep until past 2 am.

6:30 am Wednesday. She notices a new small blister on her scabbing lip; probably just another blister from the burn.

7:30 am. She binges on coffee and red bull to supplement her four hours of sleep.

8:00 am. The test starts. She reads the first passage. Didn’t understand that – move on to the questions. Reread the first passage, still don’t get it. Move on to the second passage. Repeat. and repeat again. She feels her body getting warmer and warmer, her head lighter and lighter. Time’s up, you have a ten minute break.

9:00 am. Excuse me, but how do I cancel my test score now?

9:30 am, in her mind. Crystal, you failed. All you had to do was get enough sleep last night. You prepared so hard for this. You let yourself and everyone down. You wasted 225$ and all your time.

10:00 am. The late-blooming blister from this morning has spread to three times its original size across her upper lip. We should probably go see a doctor.

2:00 pm, doctor’s office. You have a fever and your burn has incited a secondary viral infection.

And that, my friends, is what we call a series of unfortunate events.

Today, I walked out on my MCAT because two days ago, an exploding egg burned my lip, which initiated an infection, which caused a fever.  FML.

Apparently exploding eggs are quite common.

Crystal,

You’ve come this far. You’ve prepared as much as you can for this exam. And you are prepared, you know it. Just take a look at your practice test scores and you’ll know that the real one will be a piece of cake. The only thing you can do now is to get in the right mood.

This exam will not be difficult. You should not be scared of this exam. In fact, it’s the exam that should be scared of you. It’s just a challenge, like a video game obstacle course, and you there to knock down all the questions. Think of the baffled look on the question writers’ faces when you’ve completed their game.

No matter what, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, your brothers, your friends, they will all be proud of you and will always be there to support you. Look at your hand – see that ring grandma gave you before she died? She is watching you from heaven and will always guide you.

I’m proud of you too. Because you know what? You are going to be a great doctor. If this exam can help get you there, then great. But it doesn’t matter if it can’t, because you are going to follow your dreams no matter what, and you are going to do the best that you can do. In the end, tomorrow is not everything, and good or bad, its mere completion is just one step closer to your future.

Love,

Self