Recently I found myself mooching off the charity of my friends until I found a place of my own to stay. I stayed with one friend one night, another the next three, and another the last three. This hot potato of playing guest, followed by hosting a guest for one week, led me to thinking about the nuances of hosting a guest and being a guest.

We’ve all experienced how stressful it is to host a guest. Well-meaning extensions of friendship quickly turn sour when boundaries are crossed, or when a guest overstays his or her welcome. I’ve heard complaints about everything from financial incursions to physical space taken up, but the most stressful part of hosting, for me, is the emotional burden of needing to keep my guest entertained. One time my freshman year of college, I had three friends visit me two weeks apart. I ended up taking a friend to the same attractions in San Francisco three times. And no matter how much they insist that I should finish my homework and not worry about them, I still feel bad doing work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends dearly; in fact, probably there in lies the root of my problem: I’m not ok with just acting as a guesthouse for my friends.

I’m generally on the other side of the relationship, whether it is bumming on my friends’ dorm room floors, visiting relatives, or staying with the friend of a friend. And for all you who generally host your friends more than is reciprocated, let me tell you that, being a guest is stressful too! As a guest, I constantly feel like I am overburdening my hosts, on top the emotional instability from not having a place of my own. Even if I help with the chores, keep my clothes in a neat little suitcase,  make friends with my host’s housemates, and offer to help pay for gas, I am still aware of the undue stress I add to my host.

Hosts tend to complain about guests, but you gotta give ‘em a break, because guests get stressed too! It seems like if both parties are experiencing stress, there must be some way to resolve the issue. Until a solution is found, I’ve come up with a solution of my own. Lots of books and websites will tell you rules about being a good guest/host, but it all boils down to one simple maxim: avoid hosting and being a guest as much as possible.