The first semester of med school here is pass/fail. No one fails. That means that really, this semester is meant as a cushion for those of us who either cruised through undergrad or took relaxing gap years (or both) to get our act together. With all of the information thrown at us, we really need to find a way to handle it now, because upperclassmen have told me that it only gets worse.

Mistake #1. I strolled into lab on the second day to find that I was the only one who couldn’t remember the names of the cell types and structures we had just heard about in the previous day’s lecture. Turns out that everyone had gone home and reviewed.

Mistake #2. The next day, I slept in and missed four hours of lecture in the morning. As a result, I kept watching lectures online days behind my classmates who were going to the live lectures. It took me well into my weekend to catch up.

So suffice it to say that my first week didn’t go too well. But that’s ok, because I’m caught up now and this week is a new week. It’s ok to hiccup a little at the beginning, as long as I find my groove. Here is the study plan that I’ve realized works pretty well for me:

1. Day before lecture (or during live lecture if necessary): Pre-read lecture notes and take handwritten notes. I really need to process new information on my own pace or I get very lost for the rest of the material. Also, handwriting everything is essential for burning it into my memory. (~1 hr per lecture)

2. Day of lecture (1 hour after live lecture ends): Watch lecture online at 2x speed to reinforce concepts and fill in handwritten notes. Note any questions I have to email or ask during small group sessions. Being able to speed up or slow down or pause as necessary is key so I have time to write things down. Also controlling when I watch lecture so that I am the most alert is a plus. (~ 45 min per lecture)

3. Review problem sets and labs after completing them in a group on my own to make sure I fully understand everything.

4. Every weekend: Transfer handwritten notes into an electronic outline with only the main points that I need to study. Especially focus on understanding the big picture rather than detailed pieces of information

5. Before exam: Study from the outline, answer practice questions, and reinforce main points

Yes, I realize that this study plan requires a certain amount of discipline, which I lack. However, one of the traits needed to be a doctor is discipline, so hopefully I will develop that skill sometime in medical school.

P.S. I was so bored while reading my embryology lecture notes until I came across an amazing realization. An ex of mine had told me before that he was born with his head tilted and required surgery. I now know that this is called “congenital torticolis” or wryneck, which is a result of shorterning and fibrosis of the sternocleidomastoid muscle on one side of the body. Cool, right?

 

It is 12:26 pm on August 14th, which means there are  exactly 1370 days, 4 hours, and 34 minutes until I become a real doctor.

Welcome to The Trouble With Crystal 2.0.

If you haven’t already guessed, my name is Crystal, and I am troubled.

Remember that song from West Side Story, when the Jets are poking fun of Officer Krupke?

The trouble is he’s crazy. 
The trouble is he drinks. 
The trouble is he’s lazy. 
The trouble is he stinks. 
The trouble is he’s growing. 
The trouble is he’s grown. 

Gee, Officer Krupke, 
Krup you! 

Well, what exactly is the trouble with Crystal?

I started blogging in 2009 as a way to find happiness again after my grandmother’s death. I took a break from blogging in 2010 once medical school applications started, and I found that I was doing more than enough introspection and writing with those essays. And, although I hate to admit it, it was also because I was afraid of what admissions officers might think if they found my blog. You might be wondering, what happened once medical school applications were over? In a word, laziness.

Now that I am starting a new school, a new academic path, and a new life, I am reviving my blog so that I can record all of my experiences and thoughts, and keep myself sane! Maybe someone out there will read something I write, and it will resonate with her, make her think in a different way, or make her laugh. Maybe someone out there will find my opinions not only objectionable but disgusting. If you are that person you can close your browser now.

I’m only kidding.

Maybe someone out there will disagree with me, leave a comment, and initiate a discussion that changes the way I think. But then again, maybe no one will read it except I, and even then these pages will serve their function as a place to organize my thoughts, respond to the good and the bad I find in the world, and freeze my feelings at a particular point in time so I can look back and ask myself, “what the hell was I thinking?” In bringing peace to my inner self, I can become a better person and do good in the world. It’s like meditating on paper.

——

Two days ago, I donned my short white coat – the symbol of a med student (as we progress in our training, our coats also become progressively longer) – and received my stethoscope. I am now officially a part of the medical profession, a doctor in training.

Classes start tomorrow, 8 am. I am predicting that I will be the first in the class to stop attending lecture and watch them all online. Orientation has firmly ingrained in my head that not only will I be slaving away for the next four years of medical school and three+ years of residency and fellowship, but also that I will be working 30+ years on my own before I will pay off my student debt. And meanwhile, my boyfriend makes the same as the median physician salary right out of college. Did I not say already that I was troubled?

I look forward to the start of my new life and also to many more posts on TTWC 2.0!

Ah woke up dis mornin’ to mah alahm clock at eight A.M. shahp. Guuurl, wah you do dis to yoself? You BIN sacrificin yo sleep sence da fust naichu got to Stanford. Ain’t nevuh bin any diffrent. Well, recently you been sleepin ovuh atchyo boyfrien’ house. Das diffrent.

Den ah had went into de kitchen to fin’ some cereal. Here go dat asshole from my dorm. Das de bitch yell at me free weeks ago ’bout stealin his sleepin spot in our dorm ski trip. Ah would’ve likeded to skin his ass. But den ah might could get in trouble wif de POlice. Ah dun even acknowledge his presence anymore, jus suck mah teef at him. Ah wish I didn’t haf to see’m. Den mah day wouldn’t staht off so bad. Can’ nobody do nuffin ’bout assholes. De wuhld’s jus full ov’em. Wah God can’ takum away, Ah’onno.

I be bikin to biochem class evry day. Today no diffrent. Biochem class so fah away, an i’ss hahd to bike in da rain. Ah’ma be gettin me a raincoat dis weekend. It don’t be steady rainin’ like dis in oduh places, do it? Anuduh girl come late, she has ran to class probly. Ah nevuh seen huh befoe. Da midtem tes not so hahd. Mah frien, she aks me what do ah tink. Ah’m like, i’ss pretty easy. She say i’ss hahd fuh huh.

Ah ain’t go to  dance class today. I be going to anoduh dance class tonight anyways. Allistuh is mah fren, Ah aks him could he be mah dance pahtnuh n he say yes. Da dance team captain, she come tellin me dat class is mandatory, like she know who ah am and what classes I been to.

When Ah got to neuro class, da class done stahted. ah almos fell ‘sleep in dat class. I finna jus lay mah head on da desk right dere! Da prof talk to us so fas, ah don’t tink hardly no one can unduhstan him. Da odduhs in de class, dey is some crazy smaht folks. Las quahtuh I liketa failed one class. Ah don’t tink so fah mah grade is very good, but if ah work hahd enough ah might can get bah. Maybe ah should aks foh some hep in dat class.

Mah computuh has a pictuh of Shi Xiao Long, a Chinese Kung Fu stah. He so fine, I wish he were mah baby-daddy.

Ah done finished two exam so fah. Ah ain’t know iss a libry up heuh in de fof flo’ uhda maf buildin. Now Ah’m studyin in da maf library to prepare fo mah ebonics midtum. All dese tesses!

Written for purely pedantic purposes to help myself study for my Linguistics of African American Vernacular English class.

I drove down to Office Max with my boyfriend and a large brown paper bag advertising 15% off for everything that cant fit. I generally enjoy browsing the aisles of the office supply store, but that day, I had a mission. (1) white poster board, (7) fine-tip colored permanent markers, and (1300) sparkle stickers later, I had created my very own “Goal Calendar”

This is all part of my project this quarter to become more organized. As evidenced from the clutter of my desk, I am your proverbial messy roommate. Sometimes it’s quaint, and my roommates don’t mind; but sometimes it becomes a problem – like when my boyfriend dropped me off at my dorm on his way up north to a party in San Francisco so I could finish my oceans of homework. When I reached the front door, I realized the keys were inside my room – and I ended up accompanying him to the party after a 30 minute detour. (It ended up well though, because the party had the most exquisite variety of cheeses to offer.) I’m sure my roommates also aren’t too pleased whenever I call and say… can you come back to the dorm, I’m locked out. I’ve always been absent-minded, but I was never motivated enough to do something about it until my quaint traits started to interfere with and frustrate other people’s lives.

I first identified my goals:

1. Floss every night. I never got into this habit as a kid and my dentist tells me it shows.
2. Get enough sleep (and don’t fall asleep in class). I hate falling asleep during class, because it’s disrespectful to the teacher and also because it’s a waste of my time. I also hate plodding through my day tired.
3. Write. I enjoy writing in this blog, because it helps me to organize and express my thoughts. However, I tend to fall into spurs and lulls; sometimes writing every day, other times neglecting my writing for months at a time.
4. Don’t forget keys. A simple one, but tangible and will make a big impact.
5. Don’t be late to anything. Part of my desire to become more accountable. I grew up pretty much always running late to things. In college I learned firsthand that being late shows disrespect – I hated when others were late on me

Next, I created a method to track my progress.

The goal calendar assigns one start color to each goal and contains one cell for each day of the remainder of the quarter. Each row represents one week, starting from Sat to Fri. The rows are numbered on the left with their academic week numbers (four through six). For each day, I apply the appropriate stars if the goal was completed. By the time I reach the end of one row, I can celebrate on Saturday if all the goals were completed for the week. My boyfriend has offered my reward for completing the week as taking me out to dinner.

The goal calendar works so far, because:

• it’s right in front of my desk, so I see it everyday
• it looks so pretty I just want to make sure it gets used. (colors!)
• putting stickers on the calendar is fun
• investing the 30 minutes to make it furthers my dedication to the overall project
• the rewards are enticing

Finally, I implemented ways to help me carry out the specific goals.

I haven’t fully figured out how yet, but so far I’ve made significant progress on the “forgetting keys” goal.

1. Before we leave anywhere, either my boyfriend or I will remember to ask each about the key. Two people remembering will have a higher probability than one alone.
2. When I enter my room, I will hang my keys on a thumbtack next to the door. It helps that the lights are right there too, so if I have to turn them on then I will immediately remember to hang the keys.
3. If the keys are not there, a cleverly placed note reminds me right as I leave the room.

Unrelated to my goals, but in line with the general process of becoming organized, I created a board of weekly assignments. It’s permanent marker on white board, and lists the recurring assignments I have every week. Once I complete it, I can cross it off with dry-erase. At the end of the week, I simply erase and the assignment list remains – fresh as ever. (Don’t worry, when I need to erase the permanent marker, I can simply write over it with dry erase and wipe of the permanent marker – a useful trick I learned in teaching high school debate.)

I’m not sure how effective these methods will be, since I only implemented them recently, but I will provide an update a few weeks into the project. For now, I’m just looking forward to placing a blue sticker on Monday Jan 25th for the “write” goal.

Next. My middle finger automatically presses the page down key.

Next. Glance at each slide, condescending to give up the two seconds required to absorb the bullet points.

Next. When will teachers ever learn that if you post the lecture slides, no one will ever bother to come to lecture?

Next. Check the time in the corner of the screen. 8:22.

Eight minutes to brush my teeth and bike across campus. Where is it again? The syllabus is downloading, why won’t it go faster? Whatever. I don’t need good breath to take a final.

Page down. “Course attendance.” Screw that.

Page down. Got it! “Final exam information.”

Release the mouse over the red x button. Three words under “Grading Policy” catch my eye: “Weekly problem sets: 40%”. The pdf disappears.

Did I read that right? Dig through the downloads folder. Damn it, I downloaded too much crap. I can feel my heartbeat in my temples. Page down. Page down. Page down!

Weekly problem sets: 40%

No late assignments.

Shit. The TA’s are probably passing out exams now. Slip on some flip-flops and run out to my bike. It’s raining? Figures. No time to run in and get a jacket.

I hate this hill, and my bike’s too cheap to have functional gears.

“Done with your exam? Turn it in here.” She’s a red head. Probably the head TA. I guess I would know if I ever went to lecture or section.

“Um… Excuse me? I haven’t done any of the problem sets. What will happen to my grade?”

“You haven’t done a single one?”

“No.”

“Well…” She pauses. Nitpicky questions about the final, she was prepared to answer. Obviously she wasn’t expecting this concern. “I suppose your grade will be calculated with a 0 for 40% of the class.”

“So assuming I get perfect on all exams, the highest I can get is still an F?”

“Pretty much, yes. Why hadn’t you done the homework.”

“I didn’t know there was homework.”

“We reminded you in lecture.”

“I didn’t go to lecture.”

Running to the registrar. I hope they will let me drop the class. Why did I not take my bike? I’ll have to take another class to fulfill that citizenship requirement. The rain splatters my leg with each step. I step in a huge puddle. Splash.

——–

I’m sweating.

Thank God. It was just a nightmare. I’m not enrolled in any classes that I didn’t know about. I’ve done all the homework for all my classes. I won’t get an F on my transcript. I relax and breathe deeply. Today is Monday. The sky is dark, I must have slept all day.

Holy shit, what time is it?  My essay was due two hours ago.

———

My pillow is drenched. What day is it? Sunday morning, more than 24 hours before the deadline. I have this nightmare every quarter. Reality never tasted so sweet.

———

Dear Crystal,

We were surprised to see that you did not take the Econ final exam along with your 9am classmates last Wednesday morning; We could not find any communications in which you informed us about an illness or other reason why you would request the opportunity to take the exam a day later along with the 10am students.   Throughout the quarter, we reminded our Econ students that they were required to take exams corresponding to the course in which they are registered. We noticed earlier in the quarter that you were choosing not to participate at 9am lectures using the Student Response System, but this comprised only a very small portion of your grade.  Showing up at the wrong final exam is a more serious concern:  many of your classmates probably would have appreciated an extra day of study time, and indeed on the front page of the 9am (Wednesday) exam, students were asked to affirm that they would not “discuss the contents of this exam with anyone who will be taking the other Econ 1A exam tomorrow morning.”
—

Econ Grade: Incomplete

Maybe I would’ve preferred the dream.

I don’t want to be tired all the time.

I don’t want to be constantly catching up.

I don’t want to always make excuses to other people.

I  don’t want to be me.

I took a nap today, setting the alarm for thirty minutes before my 4:00 meeting. I reached for my phone, assuming I had plenty of time since I hadn’t heard my alarm yet. Fuck. A digital 4:10 and the image of my supervisor stared me down, yelling at me for being late again, asking me what was wrong with my life.

I wish I could say this were an isolated incident, but it’s not. It’s a lifestyle. Last minute emails to my adviser, explaining why I hadn’t finished my thesis draft yet. Flaking on my friends because I had double-booked myself. Canceling appointments, relying on the fact that I was still ‘too sick’ recovering from swine flu.

There are many reasons why I haven’t written anything in two months on my blog. One of them is that I didn’t feel like I needed it. Things were going well in my life, for an extended period of time. I was a senior, I was socializing with friends, I was acing all of my classes. Then I realized that this feeling of being on top of things was just an unstable equilibrium, and any small series of events, like having someone with a panic attack yell at me, like my car breaking down, or like having swine flu and missing a week of classes, will tip me over the edge. And I don’t want to be that person anymore.

It ends today. (Or at least I will try). Even if I only reach that unstable equilibrium again, I just need to climb out of this rut.

No more..

• complaining about my life
• staying up late to get ahead in work
• taking naps during the day
• missing my alarms (set multiple alarms)
• bumming around and feeling guilty about it
• feeling bad for myself

I love you, white board. I love how blank you are at first, inviting me, almost challenging me, to deface it with a problem that you can’t solve. I love hearing the click when I remove the cap of the expo marker and stick it to the end. I love the feel of the dry-erase tip as I invest my entire body in sweeping motions to plant words and pictures on the board. Yes, I even love you enough to bear that signature smell of dry-erase.

I love switching colors! Writing new ideas in purple, pink, and teal! I love how when I am sidetracked, I can section part of you off for doodling. Before I know it, I have my entire masterpiece on a simple slab of whiteboard. Yes, you’ve done it once again; you’ve amazed me with your ability to turn any puzzle into clarity, to turn writer’s block into inspiration.

I love how I can hang you in the hallway, empty; and by the end of the week, you are full with new creations contributed by my neighbors. I love how I can hang you on my door, leaving you to deal with unwelcome guests by telling them, “I’m not here”; or how I can trust you to pass the message “Be right back!” to my friends. You’ve always been there for me in the middle of the night through the papers and the problem sets. You probably know more about organic chemistry and physics than I do.

I love how when I erase, I can still see ghosts of the remnants of my writing. I love how when I erase, I get to do that all over again.

How to make the best use of your whiteboard:

• Get one. duh
• Hang it in a convenient location. If you can’t see or reach it, you won’t use it.
• Invest in multiple colored markers. You can organize your thoughts, and at the least it makes your writing look prettier.
• Buy multiple whiteboards of varying sizes. Use one on your dorm door to leave messages for others, or let them leave messages for you. Use a large one to solve extensive problems (you can keep this in the closet and take it out on those nights before problem sets are due). Hang a medium size one on top of your desk to remind you about important deadlines, goals, or just to have a good quote to start your day.
• Most inventive use of a whiteboard I’ve ever seen? Someone living in my house lived on the first floor with a window next to the bike rack. Every morning when I went to unlock my bike, their whiteboard was propped against the window with a funny fact or quote.
• My whiteboard fantasy? To cover an entire room with whiteboard, even the floor and ceiling.

A nomad I will remain for life, in love with distant and uncharted places. 

Isabelle Eberhardt, Swiss writer/explorer

I’ve always been enchanted by nomads, a people so in tune with their identity that it is focused from within rather than tied down to any particular place.

Despite my childhood fascinations, I’ve learned through these past few days that I don’t think the nomad way of life is for me. I was stupid enough to book a ticket back to California three weeks before the start of school without arranging housing. I can’t move into my dorm until September 17, so I figured I would just let the tide sweep me wherever, and it would all work out in the end. Now, I’m in the midst of rotating between the goodwill of my friends and living out of my tiny carry-on suitcase until September 1st, when I move into the hallway of a pot-reeking house down the highway.  

I’m back on campus to work on my senior honors thesis. Originally I thought that the sooner I came back to campus, the sooner I could start working. But actually, the uncertainty of not settling down keeps nagging at me, preventing me from doing any real work. Instead, I sleep until past noon, when I finally wake up and walk to the computer lab to check my email. Somehow, a few hours pass and my hosts come back home to have dinner. Then a few more hours pass, and I don’t know how I’ve managed to occupy myself for an entire day before we’re all going to bed. Finally, after being unable to sleep for a few hours, I sneak downstairs to use the computer until late at night, and the cycle repeats itself. Of course I’m very appreciative for a place to stay, and I’m more than willing to follow all of these courtesies. However, it’s just not the same as having a place of your own.

All I want is a place to call Home: a place that I can be myself, where I can follow my own schedule; a place I can return to whenever I need; a place where I can leave my stuff and not live out of a tiny carry-on suitcase; predictability; emotional stability; peace.

Crystal,

You’ve come this far. You’ve prepared as much as you can for this exam. And you are prepared, you know it. Just take a look at your practice test scores and you’ll know that the real one will be a piece of cake. The only thing you can do now is to get in the right mood.

This exam will not be difficult. You should not be scared of this exam. In fact, it’s the exam that should be scared of you. It’s just a challenge, like a video game obstacle course, and you there to knock down all the questions. Think of the baffled look on the question writers’ faces when you’ve completed their game.

No matter what, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, your brothers, your friends, they will all be proud of you and will always be there to support you. Look at your hand – see that ring grandma gave you before she died? She is watching you from heaven and will always guide you.

I’m proud of you too. Because you know what? You are going to be a great doctor. If this exam can help get you there, then great. But it doesn’t matter if it can’t, because you are going to follow your dreams no matter what, and you are going to do the best that you can do. In the end, tomorrow is not everything, and good or bad, its mere completion is just one step closer to your future.

Love,

Self

Preparing for a test requires much more than just studying. A lot of overachievers, myself included, tend to excuse ourselves from self-care when cortisol levels are high and time is in short supply. It’s like I can somehow only manage to prioritize one thing at a time in my mind, and right now the test comes first; all other activities detract from time that could be better spent studying. However, healthy habits such as sleep and diet are important, and especially more so during times of high stress.

In six days, I have to take the (so far) most important exam in my life at 8:00 in the morning. With a total length of over five hours, oft remarked to test endurance more than ability, the MCAT,  needless to say, does not spare lightly those who enter even remotely tired. After two weeks of religious studying, I’ve gotten to the point where I miss questions not due to unfamiliarity with the material, but due to sloppiness. Fixing my sleep schedule will probably gain me more points than any amount of studying can now. Considering people tend to be more alert a few hours after waking, I must wake up at 6am to maximize my 8am focus. Easy, right?

I wish.

I am a recurrent insomniac, especially during times of high stress. I feel most comfortable during the hours between 1 and 3 am. My regular bedtime is 4 am, and I wake up after lunch. Two nights ago I couldn’t sleep until 6am, and woke up at 4pm. I’ve slowly whittled down my bedtime and pushed up my alarm; last night I slept from 2 to 8 am, forcing myself to wake up despite feeling completely useless all day. However, I still have a long way to go until I train my body to function in the morning.

I also barely eat. Well, to begin with, I never really had good eating habits. I definitely did not consume a balanced, nutritious diet. I can be health-food conscious, in fact, was so for a few months when I tried vegetarianism, but to do so requires, well, a level of consciousness that does not come naturally. Every morning I drive to Starbucks and order a cup of coffee, which keeps me going until I almost pass out around dinner time, which is when I’ve realized that all I’ve had all day is a coffee.  I also snack. A lot. Combine all my eating faults, and the result is that I end up relying on late night snacking as a means of sustenance.

This isn’t the first time I’ve done this. We have all seen those students who are so stressed that they forgo meals to make time for school. I used to skip lunch all the time in high school so that I could finish the homework due in my afternoon classes, and simply buy a bag of chips from the vending machine. But now, I end up studying less than if I had been eating because I just don’t have the energy to continue, almost passing out by the end of the day. I guess I’m not so young anymore, huh.

I also used to exercise regularly. Every day while studying in Oxford I would start off by running to give me energy for the rest of the day. Now I’ve replaced my morning jog with expresso. I don’t have time to run – I rationalize. Instead, I have time to waste four hours lying in bed every night wishing that I could fall asleep. Exercise would have helped me gain energy, eat right, sleep better, and just improve mood in general, all not only conducive but downright necessary for effective studying.

So if I could go back in time and talk to myself before any moment of high stress, I would advice myself to:

• Establish a regular and sufficient sleep schedule. Wake up before lunch one day and you’ll realize that the amount of time in your day to study has vastly expanded. If you are getting ready for a specific test, practice waking up every day in time to get your body used to functioning at peak efficiency during test hours. Start early, as in, not one week before your test like I did.
• Eat right! Get enough nutrients, you don’t want to look like a walking ghost. Take vitamins if you have to. Remember to eat regularly.
• Exercise, at least a little bit in the morning every day to pump yourself up.
• Surround yourself by people who care about you. It makes things much easier, because they will remind you when you forget to take care of yourself. I’ve told my friends about my sleep problem and they will call me in the morning to make sure I’m up. My mom will force me to eat, even when I protest that I’m not hungry.
• Read the news. It’s easy to become self-absorbed when we have a big thing coming up. I mean, how can anyone think about anything else other than your test? Take a reality pill, and realize that there are more important things in the world than you and your test. Keeping up with what’s going on with the rest of the world will help to keep things in perspective and at least make you feel a bit less anti-social as you hole yourself up in your room/library cell.

The next few seem.. well… obvious, but I’ve forgone them before in extreme stress situations, so I might as well mention them.

• Shower. You’ll feel better, trust me. At least do it for consideration of your family/dorm mates.
• Get dressed, nicely if possible. No, don’t bring out that ball gown, but don’t spend all day in your pajamas. I used to think that I could shave off precious time if I never had to change clothes. However, I find that I have more confidence when I feel like I look better. In fact, I usually go to all my exams at least a little more neat looking than my usual self. Why not study this way too?
• Get out of the room! Are you really going to get that much done in the time it takes you to drive/bike/walk to the library/coffee shop?
• Be nice to others. Sometimes people will ask me for a favor and I will immediately reply, sorry I don’t have time, I’m studying. Taking a little bit out of your day to help someone else can actually do you a lot of good. You deserve the occasional break, and the fuzzy feeling you get can get you to focus better.

I generally hate when people say, “Take care”, especially in emails, because it is tossed around as a polite way-out by those who don’t actually care. But I don’t mind telling myself and others who need to hear it every once in a while.

Take care,

Crystal