Fmylife.com is a must in any procrastination toolkit. Usually I just laugh at how stupid most people are and click on You Deserved It (because they usually do). Unless it really does fuck up their life for real, in which case… its kinda funny that the first thing they think to do is to post it on fmylife.

But today when I was browsing (and trying to make productive use of my insomnia), I stumbled across this post:

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of asians trying to take a picture. Trying to be a diplomat, I slowly say “You… want me… take picture?” while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says “No thanks asshole. I got it.” in plain english. FML

Of course, everyone knows the obvious initial response. The fact that it is 69k to 3k YDI to Yeah that sucks! is evidence enough of the outrage this has caused, not to mention reading the biting comments.

I’m here today to write a defense of Daftly Racist. Yes, we all know that what Daftly did was pure prejudice, rudeness, and idiocy. It’s the kind of thing that we don’t tolerate among our self-respecting, morally superior, unprejudiced folk. Thank god we never have to be judged by millions of internet procrastinators. We can guilt-free click the “You Deserved It” button and smirk at our purer moral composition. Because amongst our class, prejudice doesn’t exist and we operate in a judgment free world.

Isn’t it funny how we are taught to not judge, but those same teachers repeat the maxim that “first impressions are everything”? We can never free ourselves from our judgments (see this post for a fuller explanation). Isn’t it better to acknowledge those prejudices and do our best to mitigate them, rather than brush them aside and claim to have conquered them? How can we combat the enemy within ourselves and others if we don’t force it to the border of our inner psyches?

Daftly’s courage in posting is aptly refreshing. In a society where to exhibit the slightest bit of prejudice is cause to raise noses (and ironically, form judgments), to have the balls to admit fallacy in prejudice should be applauded, not condemned.

4/2/3 Insomnia mostly, but still proud that I can voice a semi-cogent argument at 6 in the morning.

When I started this academic quarter, I wanted a fresh beginning. I broke up with my boyfriend who I had been dating for the first quarter, and was determined to handle the break-up better than I had handled my previous one. In most aspects, I really am proud of myself for my emotional maturity. I reached out to my friends and made new friends; I started exercising and eating healthy; I joined the chorus; I took the hardest and most classes and excelled at them; I started to feel better and better about myself each day.

But there is one part of me where I still haven’t grown up, and that is when it comes to guys. I let my mood and my self-esteem depend too much on the guys that I like. To start, if I don’t have a guy in mind, then I feel very empty, like I don’t have anything to govern my behavior. Thus, if I don’t like a guy anymore immediately I have to find a new target. I can’t be satisfied just being my own single self. If my crush doesn’t like me back, it makes me feel unattractive and worthless.

When I confessed my feelings to my current crush, I thought that nothing would change. I thought we could still be friends, but as the weeks went on, everything became more and more awkward. Every time I talk to him, I feel as if he might think that I’m just trying to get him to like me. I definitely spent much more time together with him before. Once my roommate told him that he should come to hang out in our room more often, and he agreed; he never once came to hang out in our room, but I always saw him in the room across the hall from me. Over spring break, I am living in the room next to his because I had to move out of mine. I always go say hi to him and his roommate, but he will never come talk to me. It’s not so hard is it? I even made it easier by moving to a room closer to his. Sometimes he is super nice to me, and others he just ignores me. It  pisses me off when people are rude to others, regardless of the feelings between them. One time I confessed to one of my best friends from home that I liked him, and he decided to ignore me for two months. Why should you treat a friend differently just because they happen to like you? I think I learned my lesson; despite everyone applauding brave girls who just are straightforward about their feelings, I don’t advise it if you still want to remain friends with the person.

The first day of class I had Chinese lit and Chinese rituals back to back through lunch on Tuesday. I noticed this cute guy in both of those classes, and we introduced ourselves after class. Since both of us hadn’t had lunch, I asked him if he wanted to eat together, and we had a great conversation over lunch. We found out that we have very similar interests; he is a Chinese major and wants to go into Chinese medicine, while I want to practice Western medicine in China. Thinking that we could make getting lunch a weekly tradition, I was looking forward to the next Tuesday, but he just left class quickly without saying anything to me. I decided to give him up. One time after class we happened to be chatting next to our bikes, and remembering how much I enjoyed our conversations, I asked if he wanted to grab lunch. He said he had to go, but that we would get lunch next week. Next Tuesday, I excitedly made myself look nicer in anticipation of our lunch; he didn’t come to class. Thinking he was sick, I forgave him. Next class, he never mentioned it. Not one “sorry I was sick”, “I forgot”, or “can we re-schedule?” I decided he was a douchebag. Last day of class, he runs up to me to give me my wallet which I had forgotten in class, and we start chatting again. Stupidly, I asked if he wanted to get lunch and he said yes, but this week was bad can we try for next week after finals? When I called him, he said he had too much work, and already had dinner plans for all the meals until he left for break. He was surprised to hear from me and didn’t even seem to remember what he said last week. He said, “we’ll definitely get together when I come back from break”. Yeah right. I’m not going to call him again.

There was another person that I liked this quarter. For a month, whenever I went out the dorm I would walk down the hall past his room (even if it was out of my way), or I would go visit my friends in that side of the dorm, to increase the chance of bumping into him. If I heard his voice in the lounge I would go and pretend to be going to the dining hall. Sometimes he was really nice to me and others, he would be very unfriendly. I quickly got over him because I knew that he just didn’t care about me, but then every time he was nice I forgot and the cycle would start all over again. He would lean against me, tickle and poke me, and give me all these signs to make me think that he liked me. But I quickly found out that he is just a very touchy-feely person. He also only ever hung out with me when my friend from high school was visiting.  I lost interest in him and started to like the other guy who also doesn’t like me back.

I know that I should have self-confidence, and that is what guys find attractive. I know that I should love myself before I can expect others to love me. But when you go from being interested in guy to guy to guy, and none of them find you attractive, how can you tell yourself that you are attractive? It’s so easy to think, “nobody likes me”. It’s so easy to feel lonely. I just wish I could be independent and feel good about myself again.

Sorry if this blog post is a little less coherent and a bit more rambling than usual. I tried to not impede the flow of my thoughts and just wrote down whatever I was thinking.

Dear Crystal:

Congratulations! You have successfully completed the Finals Week from Hell (FWH) program. Along with several of your accomplished peers, you have fulfilled the basic requirements to be considered an FWH scholar; over three days, you have endured two final exams and one research paper, relying on only eight hours of sleep total. You should feel especially proud of your accomplishment, as we accepted only the most diligent procrastinators into our program. Additionally, I am pleased to inform you that your exceptional performance qualifies you for the FWH honors program. Our faculty have recommended you based on your extraordinary motivation to sacrifice sleep two nights in a row. We fully believe that you demonstrate the highest virtues of a FWH scholar: unrestrained procrastination coupled with disciplined and high threhold for self-torture. As an FWH honors scholar, you will commit to upholding the virtues of FWH throughout your academic career and other aspects of life. You will also educate and spread FWH values to the next generation of promising scholars. We hope that you will appreciate and take full advantage of your exclusive membership to the FWH honors community.

Wishing you the best of luck in everything that you hope to accomplish (you will need it),

The Finals Week from Hell Committee

We are currently accepting nominations for the FWH scholars program. If you would like to nominate yourself or a friend, please leave a comment with:

Name:

School/Company:

Reason for nomination:

This is it. I just gotta hold my breath and dive. Tomorrow begins my hemorrhage of exams, colloided together by doubleshot and cheetos. First is physics, from 3:30  to 6:30 pm, followed by an all-nighter cramming session to study for Human Physiology at 8:30am the following day. Afterwards, I have exactly 23:30 hours to finish my research paper about classical Chinese childbirth rituals.

Although I should be epileptically terrified, somehow, I’m actually filled with an inner peace. At this point, I know that I’ve pushed myself to my limit to prepare. Whatever happens, happens, and there is not much I can do at this point to change the road ahead. These last few days are the final 100 meters of the marathon, and I have to push extra hard at the end. There is always that glorious feeling of crossing the finish line ahead of me.

Sunday morning during brunch, two Starbucks employees lugging a cooler came to Stern Dining and passed out free Starbucks Doubleshots. I quickly gulped down my cinnamon drink – it tasted not dissimilar from those starbucks mocha drinks in the glass bottles. That Sunday was the most productive day of my college life. With very few distractions, the energy and focus I experienced allowed me to finish my entire eleven page Chinese Lit paper in one day. By the time I finished, I was dead tired (from having woken up at 7am that day), and decided to go to bed. Only, I could still taste  the doubleshot in my mouth and feel its satiety in my stomach. Determined not to waste any more time with insomnia, I grabbed my book and started on my research project, reading until 4am. The next morning, I woke up naturally at 7am and still felt the caffeinated effects ( I didn’t even fall asleep in physics). Finally, I crashed at about 11am and slept through lunch.

Man, that doubleshot stuff really works, or maybe I’m just a sucker for Starbucks’ promotion (O! poor victim of commercialism!) I bought a pack at 12 at Costco that evening and right now am at the library with my reading to my right and a can of doubleshot to my left. It really does give you a huge immediate boost of energy, but please only use it in emergency situations. I’m no expert, but I doubt that much caffeine can be good for your health.

They should pay me to be a Starbucks spokesperson or something…

M/PT/ST: 2/5/2

What a crazy world we live in…

this is just a short addendum to my post last night: A 17 year old in Germany shoots and kills 15 people, including students and teachers from his old high school, and others along the chase away from police.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/03/11/germany.school.shooting/index.html

Hope everyone is staying sane in the midst of finals week studying!

Right now my ears are burning (partly because of tiredness, partly because my friend just called me a monster, and partly because I just had an angry conversation when he mentioned my ex-boyfriend).

I must be losing my mind. Today I emailed my physics TA saying that I forgot to put my name on my problem set. Small problem that was causing me minor worries. She replies saying that on the last problem set, I didn’t turn in the first page – which therefore not only didn’t have my name on it, but also didn’t have the first two problems. I went to my mailbox to retrieve it, thinking that the first page must’ve been ripped off. No such luck, the second page was perfectly stapled and there was no sign of another page being ripped off. I must be going crazy.

Luckily my TA let me resubmit the homework if I found the first page (nix – I cleaned my room last weekend, cleaned out my binder, and threw out my recycling). Instead I just had to redo those two problems. Not a big deal, but these types of small minor tasks cause me more stress than necessary. The fact that I have to remember to turn this in tomorrow subconsciously pulls at the back of my mind while I am writing my research paper about ancient Chinese medical childbirth rituals. It’s because of my neuroticism that I am going to die at a young age.

I’m also very antisocial recently. I don’t even have the time to slow down and talk to my friends for a few minutes. Today after dinner, my friend bumped into me in the cafeteria and walked with me down the hall, hoping to have a conversation with me. In my hurry, I was powerwalking and talking to my friend trailing behind me. My body language clearly said, “I don’t have the time to spend 10 seconds listening to how your day went.” I haven’t spoken to my roommate in three days. In the morning we wake up and go about our morning ablutions, when one of us walks in the room, the other doesn’t look up, it’s like we have this tacit agreement that during finals season, we just don’t have the energy to be social.

Last week, My Crush said to me, “we should talk, do you want to take a walk sometime?”
“Ok sure”
“How about next week?”

Stanford students are going crazy.

Today an Alabama man shot and killed ten people, including his mother, grandparents, aunt and uncle, and random passerbys including a child. Five heads were discovered in ice chests in Mexico.

Everyone is going crazy.

M/ST/PT: 2/2/2

Averaging five hours of sleep a day, early onset dementia, my friends think I’m a monster, how could it get any better?

If you are interested in knowing, my typical schedule these days is as follows:

7:40 am – wake up, feel very very very cold, but take hot warm shower, feel even colder after getting out of shower
8:00 am – eat nice relaxing slow breakfast of toasted bagel with scrambled egg whites and tomatos + high caffeine tea while finishing reading for research project or making last minute edits on Chinese lit paper
9:00 am – go to human physiology and physics classes
11:00 am – crash in bed
2:00 pm – realize that I’ve missed lunch, am late for lab meeting at hospital with principle investigator of research team, decide that since I’m late I might as well take my time
2:15pm – arrive at hospital to find out that meeting has been canceled
2:30 pm – the only person to attend physics section, meanwhile down a bottle of ensure to make up for skipped lunch
5:00 pm – go to Costco to pick up prescription which was promised to be ready. It’s not ready. need to go back tomorrow. Asked my friend to drive me by saying we would go to In N Out across the street, which has no vegetarian options.
8:00 pm – Study in Green library until midnight, when I take a one hour midnight breakfast break
1:00 – 3:30 Study in computer cluster, but these really annoying kids are talking too loudly about chem, so I study in the freezing hallway, and now I have a cold.
4: check the alarm to make sure its set for 7:40, and then SLEEP!!!

Well, it’s 1:45 now, and just in case you’re wondering, I’m going to sleep now, and I’ve set my alarm for 5:45. Well, I’ll probably watch some Monk first, because of the stress induced insomnia.

Please everyone who is in finals right now, take better care of yourself than I am!

Today, objects are designed for convenience and time-saving, which means that they allow you to multi-task. Take macs for example, they are so nifty because all their windows can be open at the same time, which allows you to do multiple functions at once. Or the cup holder of your car, which allows you to drive and imbibe your favorite beverage at once. I was once also, an expert multi-tasker. I could listen to physics lecture with my ear while reading SAT prep-books with my eyes. I could write an essay while chatting on AIM and watching my favorite TV series (Boy Meets World on the Disney Channel).

The problem is that I have become a habitual multi-tasker. Most people would think that is great, but I want to break that illusion and convince you to give up your multi-tasking! The reason I could get away with multi-tasking is because I was always content with just “enough to get by”. I did whatever it took to get an A in the class, or a 1600 on the SAT, but I never really cared about the quality of my time investment. In college too, I still can manage to write my essays at the lat minute because all I really care about is the 4.0 on my GPA.

When you multi-task, you do all those tasks half-heartedly. I remember getting angry with my boyfriend for typing on AIM while talking to me on the phone. I wanted his whole attention, and I gave him mine. It’s funny how much more importance I attributed to my boyfriend than my own life. Just like driving while multi-tasking is unsafe, steering your life while multi-tasking is dangerous! There should be a traffic sign on the multi-tasking street that says: Warning! Vapid, yet mediocre enough to get by, life ahead! Avoid at all costs!

I find that when I devote all my attention to one task, I gain so much more productivity and happiness. I know that I am deliberately choosing to do that task, rather than having it be one on my list of many chores. Now, I can’t even write a blog while listening to music. No matter how small the task, devote yourself fully to it. I used to eat meals while doing homework. Now I can’t do that. No matter how busy I am, I have to make room for the 30 minutes it takes me to eat, sit down at the dining table with my classmates, and socialize about nothing related to my homework. Even wasting time, I have to do it deliberately, fully, and execute it well. People multi-task to save time, but I think you will find the opposite to be true.

Try giving up multi-tasking for one day, and let me know how it goes!

Mood: 5 exercised – too much work – chorus rehearsals – i’m a loser for skipping all my classes today – My Crush doesn’t like me

Physical tiredness: 7 even though its 3 am in the morning… hello insomnia. good thing is I have lots of work

Spiritual tiredness: 5 too stressed out to think about long term stuff

I played a lot of video games as a kid. Whenever I lost all my lives, a screen would display, “YOU FAILED” accompanied by a strong voice announcing the same phrase. If my life were a video game, I would imagine that screen displaying right now.

You’ll notice that for the past week I have been a little negligent about writing. That’s because I have completely and utterly failed  every single goal I had set. Let me just list them in order:

Academics: I had said that I would be more diligent about learning over memorizing, yet due to my procrastination, cramming is all I can ever manage in order to get by. Friday morning I had a midterm for human physiology, which I chose to not start studying for until 2 days before. The result: spending every spare moment, and including some not spare ones (try biking while looking at notes), forcing tidbits of information into short term memory, and counting on a system restart once the test was over. I am interested in medicine; human physiology should be the most interesting and relevant subject to me. If I can’t even motivate myself to learn this, how can I ever learn anything? This week, I have to do the same for a physics midterm. Which brings me to my next goal…

Sleep: This week I have been running on consecutive days of minimal sleep. I’m one of those above average people who need more than 8 hours of sleep a night, yet I’ve only averaged 5 this week. Now, my sleep is so messed up that I am sitting in my bathrobe in the dorm lounge at 4:27 AM writing this blog, because despite my extreme tiredness, I still can’t fall asleep. Looks like my insomnia is kicking back in, most likely stress-related…

Exercise: Last weekend I pulled a leg muscle while playing squash, and for two days it hurt to walk. I used that as an excuse at first to doge my exercise routine, promising myself that as soon as I felt better I would work out again. Later, when I had too much work to do, I skipped again. The sleep deprivation gave me more excuses. However, I can already feel the consequences: my mood is worse than usual, I feel more tired, and am less productive and unable to focus. This weekend I should make up for it by re-starting my routine.

Vegetarianism: No, I have not broken it. I have friends placing bets on how long I will last (shoutouts to those who placed 100$ on me staying this way forever!). I must say, some friends have already lost. However, I don’t feel like I am getting what I am supposed to from this diet. As mentioned earlier, I feel extra-hungry, and rely on unhealthy, albeit meat-less, meals. I keep meaning to visit the nutritionist but never find the time.

From now on in my posts, I will keep a tracker of three things: Overall Mood, physical tiredness (short-term fluctuations), and spiritual tiredness (more long-term). For sake of clarity, I will spend a moment to detail what each reading means. 10 means best (better mood, less tired, etc.), 0 means worst.

Mood:

0 – suicidal

1 – severely depressed

2 – slightly depressed

5 – neither happy nor sad

7 – quite happy

10 – best day of my life

Physical tiredness:

0 – I’m going to collapse

3- lethargic

5 – not too tired, but not too energetic

7 – quite bubbly

10 – I just overdosed on caffeine

Spiritual Tiredness:

0 -I want to shut myself up in a Buddhist temple and take a break from life

3 – I need a vacation

5 – no feelings

7 – I have energy to move forward with life

10 – I have no idea what this state would look like, must be heaven.

I am so tired of being tired.

Mood: 6 These few weeks are the weeks from hell: exams or large papers due every week, and they just keep on coming. The only reason this score is positive right now is because I just came back from Viennese Ball and got to wear my new 300$ dress. Also, I’m going ice skating tomorrow!

Physical Tiredness: 1 Too little sleep + 5 hours of waltzing + insomnia

Spiritual Tiredness: 3 School + Med School apps + being unsure about life

That’s what we call the phenomenon of stuck-up rich private school students too soaked up with their own petty lives to connect and immerse themselves in the outside world. Constantly complaining about how stressed we are and how many deadlines we have, all the while trying to squeeze sympathy from our classmates; we know this sympathy to be false, but still allow ourselves to feel satisfied at the reception of this acknowledgment of our superiority.

Why do I call it superiority? I’m sure we are familiar with the correct response to a girl who asks if she is fat when she clearly is not. And I’m sure we all know that this girl is just a low-level attention whore who wants to draw attention to her body while gaining affirmation of her physique. In the same way, the stressed out student who complains is really saying: look, I am so much cooler than you because I can handle all these classes, run to so many club meetings, and aww, don’t you pity me for being such an overachiever?

When everyone does it, the effect multiplies. The lunch conversation becomes a competition to see who has more exams this week. Does the following conversation sound familiar to you?

“I have two exams back to back on the same day”
“I have three exams on one day”
“I have three exams and a ten page paper due the same day”

I will be the first to admit that I am not innocent of the severe castigation I have brought upon my fellow students. Just last night, I had the following facebook wall chat with a dorm-mate:

Me: This night sucks balls.
Him: I stayed up till 4 writing a paper
Me: I think I win, I stayed up till 7

Yay! Do I get a small badge to pin proudly on my chest that says “only slept 3 hours last night” so everyone can drop some change in the sympathy jar?

Would. Everyone. Just. Stop. Complaining.

I get it. You’re stressed. You’re over-committed. You haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep for one year. Here’s some news for you: no one actually cares, and those who pretend to care only want your sympathy back – you scratch my back I’ll scratch yours. Hey, it’s all well and good if the shallow exchange of falsehood is mutual, but soon you’ll realize that when you’ve surrounded yourself with relationships based on smoke, in the end when you reach through the smoke, your hand will fall through and all you’ll grasp is thin air.

Every morning, the first rays of sunlight to reach Stanford land on Hoover Tower, the iconographic concrete imposed on the middle of campus. Two hundred research fellows distributed over thirty flights of stairs, yet I never see a single one coming in or out. As I look back on my school from a distance, all I can see is a huge Ivory Tower.

How do we break free from this bubble? I’m not exactly sure myself. When one has lived inside the bubble for so long, it becomes hard to imagine life outside. Yet in the meantime, we are all suffocating on our own foul breath. I can only offer two strategies I have found to help, but if you have any good suggestions please leave them in the comments!

- Read the news everyday both domestic and international. When you learn about the lives of others in your own country, you realize that people out there are just trying to make a living and raise your kids, and your dreams of saving the world don’t matter to any of them. Keeping up to date with international events reminds you that our lifestyle is not the only way of life. And sometimes, the catastrophes of the world give you some perspective to realize that your B+ on that midterm is not the worst thing that could happen.

I started reading the news obsessively to prepare for a scholarship interview. Although I didn’t receive the scholarship, the habit of reading the news was one valuable asset I gained from the experience. I make CNN my homepage, so even if I don’t have time to read the news carefully, I at least glance at the headlines. However, I’ve gotten so addicted to the news that now I surf CNN instead of facebook to procrastinate.

- Talk to people outside of school. Especially those who are from a different socioeconomic background than you. As upper middle class well educated Americans, we often only interact with people from the same class. The social ability to interact with others was simply never developed.

I once went on a blind date with someone from a less elite school. Try as I might, it was impossible for me to talk to him without sounding condescending. I would either dumb the conversation down, or if we talked about more intellectual topics, I didn’t expect him to give a very coherent response. Another time, I had entered a beauty pageant (just for kicks) and was the only Asian contestant in a pool full of blondes. During the on-stage spontaneous question, they were asked about affirmative action, to which they responded “I think it is always best to act in a positive and assertive manner”. So yes, I know it can be hard for us UMCWEA (Upper Middle Class Well Educated Americans – pronounced Um-Kwee–Yah) to connect with others.

The most important thing is to throw away all your predispositions. List them right now so that you recognize them and can thus reject them: they aren’t as smart as you are, they are only interested in drinking and drugs, they will end up in a menial job, etc. After you’ve written them down, crumple them into a ball and throw it away. Now allow your blank slate of a mind (tabula rasa) to inquire into their life.

Practice talking wherever you go. Talk to the homeless guys that you usually step over in front of the high end restaurants, the barber as he/she cuts your hair, even the delivery boy who smiles awkwardly and says to you in broken English, “Hello! Annie’s Delivery!”. People ask me all the time how it is that I have such interesting adventures, and I think it originates from fact that I do not shy away from talking to those outside of my normal social sphere.

Every person is a fascinating story, and you want to fill in the details.