See more of Oxford

• Study in the famous Bodleian library. You cannot enter unless you are a student, meaning I will never again have an opportunity to do so.
• Visit other colleges. So far, I have only been into the three colleges that Stanford is associated with, meaning there are 35 others that I have never seen!
• Eat in the famous restaurants that I’ve been meaning to try.
• Visit the Ashmolean art gallery, Business School, and Botanic Gardens
• Eat lunch with traditional English tea at the Rose
• Try the famous Ben’s cookies
• Take more pictures of Oxford!

Spend time with the friends I’ve made here

• Go punting in the Thames River
• Play more squash
• Visit the college bar
• Go out on a night when college students actually go out (I’ve been going on weekends, which are apparently townspeople turf)
• Send out the postcards that have been lying around

Goodbye Oxford is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

I am spending all day holed up in my room feeling sorry for myself. Crystal, you never get enough sleep, take a break today, you can work tomorrow after you’ve gotten a nice rest. That’s what I told myself yesterday. Crystal, you should call your ex-boyfriend. I know you feel worse every time after talking to him, but this time it will be different. Maybe this time he will actually care about you. In fact, he probably misses you a lot more than you think.

If someone else were born instead of me, that person would be so much more productive, well-liked, and prettier. She would actually do something with herself. She wouldn’t be me.

The biggest waste of a person ever. is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

As I left the playhouse, a homeless man asked me for some change. Out of habit, I responded that I was sorry and didn’t have any change. He then said, with a tone of desperation, “please”. I saw in his eyes a spark of genuineness, as if he wouldn’t really be begging for money if he actually had any other choice. Yet, I just continued walking. Am I like the characters in this play? Have I been illuminated about the evils of our society, only to return to that  lifestyle?

5/4/3 Almost done with classes, but its 2 am and I have to wake up at 8!

A highly recommended play: An Inspector Calls is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

I might sound like the stereotypical resentful ex-girlfriend, and I probably am. I will completely admit that my feelings my cloud my judgment. But I still have not completely wrung out my disgust for him. It’s not that I’m bitter that we broke up, it’s not that I’m jealous he has a new girlfriend (does he? I couldn’t care less). It’s that I honestly think he is one of the most unlikeable people I have ever met.

The first time you meet him, you can’t help but like him. That’s what trapped me to him as well. He knows how to smile at you, talk to you, make you feel like he would go out of his way for you, even though you’ve only just met. When we first started dating, I wanted to show him off to all of my friends, because I knew that he would impress them as well.

The more I got to know him, the more I realized that his congeniality was really just a cover for his vapid intrapersonality. He valued his friendships for how they could benefit him, and saw all his friends as potential connections. I knew something was wrong when I asked him what he wanted to do with his life, and he replied that he never really thought that was important, as long as he made money. However, I was too stupidly in love with him to let that bother me, and I pushed my discomfort aside. Towards the later part of our relationship, he had at that point already lost any feelings for me. Yet, he still asked me to call up my dad’s business connections to help him find a summer internship, meanwhile pretending that he still loved me. Even when I finally caught on to what was happening, he still proposed that we try to amend our relationship; perhaps he worried that if we broke up, my dad’s contacts would not pull through for him. I finally wised up and got out of there (quite literally).

The next time I saw him was at a group meeting of my superviser’s research team (also a job I had helped him get). He smiled at me with his characteristically congenial smile (whenever I imagine his smile, my insides burns with a green flame of disgust), and, much like the email I received today, asked me about how I had been. I didn’t even bother to pretend like I cared, I just responded and continued my work, leaving before he had another chance to speak. That was the last time I saw or heard from him.

Dear Crystal, It’s almost the end of the quarter. How are you and how has life been at Oxford? When are you coming back to Stanford?

When I got his email, I can almost imagine him flashing his unctuous smile, calculating whether the effort for social interaction will be worth the reward.  Whenever I think about the way I let myself be used by him, the way I deprecated myself for him, my entire body (particularly my stomach and my muscles) systemically does flips out of self-disgust, while I can feel my blood pulse in my hands out of anger. I sincerely hope that most girls will never have to experience this feeling of self-deprecation due to a guy.

Best song that describes how I’m feeling now: Picture to burn, by Taylor Swift

I am your stereotypical crazy ex-girlfriend is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

That’s the only thought that is going through my head right now.

Last night our house hosted a candy-shop themed underwear birthday party. One item of clothing for guys and two for girls. I have no reservations about not wearing clothes, and as the night went on (and as I got drunker) I ended up losing my shirt, stripped by my pink-frock-baring bartender friend. The guy-to-girl ratio, while quite favorable, made the entire party somewhat of a sausage-fest. Often I would find myself in a circle surrounded by a handful of half-naked men, all asking me questions and probably mentally evaluating whether or not I would sleep with them. Finally, one guy who had been talking to me for a while asked me whether I wanted to dance. “Sure!” I replied, “I love dancing!”

That’s when I learned that dancing does not really mean dancing. I love dancing with men, I even like the “grinding” that the older generation likes to call “vertical sex”. I don’t even mind that you are touching me. Dance is an expression of feeling, I know I’m hot and you can’t help it. But I am not amused when you force my hands all over your body, limiting my expression to “I want you” (which I don’t; because you’re sketchy and the only reason I agreed to dance with you was because I felt bad). I guess I can let you kiss me too, but 30 seconds later you say, “let’s go upstairs” and I say “big fucking NO”.

College parties, clubs, bars, so far everywhere I’ve gone out in Britain I’ve experienced the same story.  I’ve never been clubbing in the US (not yet 21), but no guy ever asks me to dance at the parties at school. So I’m not sure if this is a rant against sketchy British men, or just against men in general, but PLEASE LET US GIRLS DANCE IN PEACE! The last time I checked my thesaurus, fuck was not listed as a synonym for dance.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I have to take a few showers to wash the taste of your hands away.

Guys: Dancing does not mean I’ll sleep with you is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

1. Color with felt tip markers
2. Play my favorite online game online
3. Catch up on favorite TV shows and Detective Conan manga
4. Take a shower and change into pj’s
5. Eat mint chocolate (esp Aero’s)
6. Listen to soundtracks from my favorite musicals (Les Mis, Wicked, Rent)
7.  Dance to my Ne-yo playlist on my bed when no one else is there.
8. Call my close friends and catch up over hour long conversations
9. Blog
10. Sleep!

Ten ways to recharge after a long day is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

1) I’m so happy that I either don’t have time to blog because I’m busy enjoying life, or I don’t need to blog to release my emotions

2) I’m so busy and stressed out academically that I don’t have time to write

3) I’m too depressed start writing

It’s been almost a week since my last entry, and as I reflect back on this past week I must say that it’s definitely not option number one. Blogging is just like any habit, once you miss out once, it’s easy to continue missing out, and every day missed brings down my self esteem. Every day, it was just so easy to spend that last hour of my day stressing instead of destressing. Over the weekend, I slept almost twelve hours every day (on Saturday I woke up at 4 in the afternoon) and canceled just about every commitment I had (dance practice, chorus performance, elderly center volunteering, squash game). It seems that I’ve entered a state of stress-induced paralyzation and lethargy.

Some of you may have seen my facebook and twitter status last night: FML FML FML FML FML. Today at four I had a twelve page essay due, for which I had only started writing last night. Halfway into the night, with twelve pages of bullshit and hours of reading left to go, I could not manage to focus my attention on my work and kept watching Taylor Swift videos on youtube. I was also craving chocolate cookies but could not gratify myself. It’s funny how despite the fact that I have less assignments this week, my stress level was higher. Even though I’ve dealt with writing papers of equal length every week, for some reason I couldn’t handle it last night. Looking back, I have absolutely no idea how I went from twelve blank pages to twelve pages of text, and I also have no idea where my 16 hours went. But in the end, no matter how far away from completing your work you think you are, work always gets completed.

As I crawled into bed tonight, with no intention of writing, my mind started to race – as it usually does when I try to sleep – and I could not fall asleep despite having only slept two hours last night. That’s when I decided that I should finally get out my laptop and write down what it is that is bothering me.

I have a friend who has feelings for me, but I don’t have feelings for him. It’s strange because theoretically he is just my kind of guy: smart in a specialized field (biomechanical engineer going to grad school next year), yet cares about receiving a liberal education (takes random classes like psychology), has similar interests (was in my Chinese history and literature classes), and knows how to have fun (is my dance partner in the dance competition). My friend (the green elf) even told me that he sounds perfect for me. But the laws of attraction cannot be explained, and I just am not attracted to him.

This is not a situation that is foreign to me. It’s actually pretty common for my guy friends to like me. My roommate says she can see why: because I’m pretty open and warm to others. Generally though, my friends are pretty far away and I can just let the situation smolder. Additionally, we were very good friends to begin with, so after the fact we can return to being good friends.

However, in this case I only met him at the beginning of the term and am living in the same building with him for the next five weeks. If I deliberately ignore him, a) it will be quite obvious and require significant effort on my part, and b) we won’t just go back to being friends – but will probably not continue to develop our young friendship.

I had the sense that he liked me since the beginning of the term. One night I had a nightmare in which I dated a tall Asian guy who looked remarkably similar to him; in the nightmare, I let myself agree to see the man, even though I didn’t like him and ended up feeling horribly trapped in a relationship I never wanted.

In my wakeful life, I’ve been pretending to play dumb to all his signals. However, I have a feeling that I can’t keep putting it off anymore. He is a pretty forward guy, and it wouldn’t surprise me to hear him confess his feelings for me soon. Today, I heard it through the grapevine that he has been confiding in our classmates about his frustrations over how I don’t respond to his signals. Our dance competition is this Saturday, and he proposed a celebratory dinner afterwards – somehow I feel like he is planning more than a celebration of our dancing.

Sigh:: so what is bothering me is – how do I let him know that I am not interested in him, without hurting his feelings and still keeping the possibility of developing our friendship? What should I do if he does confess his feelings for me?

Blog neglect (a sign of depression?) and romance troubles is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

• Smallpox class: taught by a Stanford prof for the other Stanford students studying at Oxford.
• Immunology tutorial: One hour a week of one on one learning; weekly 8-9 (really 11-12) page essays
• Econometrics tutorial: Also one on one, two hours a week, problem sets

For anyone who read a recent blog post, you’ll know my feelings towards smallpox. Stuck in a class that I don’t want to be in, I recently discovered that I’m not even allowed to take the class pass/fail. Now, I just locked myself into doing loads of not-too-useful busywork and going on bi-weekly uninteresting field trips.  When I am able to make it to class, I usually fall asleep because I have been spending the entire night writing my essay. Yesterday, I didn’t even wake up from my 10 minute “nap” that I had planned to take between finishing my essay and going to class.

Despite my misgivings, at least I know that if I do the work, I will get the grade. What frustrates me more is my tutorials. Initially, I thought that this was a great system. One on one teaching tailored to my interests and debating the points brought up in my essay. What ends up happening is I spend endless hours summarizing information to produce a “textbook-chapter-like” essay, requiring no analytical skills except for trying to synthesize a bunch of information into 8 pages (which I always go over and write 12). Then I get a bad grade on it because I’ve not included certain details (or not included the teacher’s favorite molecule). I cannot stand the unpredictability and the mono-voice.

Then there is my econometrics tutorial. The instructor thinks I’m a complete idiot because I can never answer his questions. But it’s not that I don’t know the answers, it’s that I don’t know what his question is. For example, today he asked me “what is this best way of looking at [a certain equation]?” and I wanted to say “with my eyes”. When I say I don’t know, he’ll state something completely obvious and then remark that I haven’t been doing the reading.

You know what I miss about my Stanford education? I miss when not knowing an answer and not being made to feel like an idiot. I miss having more than one voice in the classroom so that the instructor does not dominate. I miss actually trying to write a good essay rather than a passing one. I miss sleep.

Speaking of sleep… since I haven’t slept in two nights…

Frustrations with my Oxford education is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

A friend and I tried busking on the street today. Neither of us had ever done it before, so we figured why not? It was a lot of fun, and we hope to be able to keep doing it every week! Since I’m lying in bed and can’t sleep anyway, I’ll upload a video of us performing Alanis Morissette:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcSK5__oyPQ[/youtube]

Ironic

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USpQw87SNtA[/youtube]

Hands Clean

Wishing my life were a song: performing Alanis Morissette is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

How do you recognize that you’re treading down a dead-end path?

How do you stop lamenting how much time you’ve wasted and realize how much more time you will waste if you continue?

How do you decide to fold when you’ve already put so many chips in the pile?

How do you find the humility to admit to yourself that you made the wrong initial decision and find the courage to turn around?

How do you stop and tell yourself, I’m not happy. And change?

These are all questions I struggle with in every aspect of my life, but especially relationships and academics. I’ll leave relationships to another day, because, as I left class after falling asleep during the entire lecture for the second consecutive time, the question burning in my head was: Should I drop my “Smallpox” class?

I came to Oxford with three goals: meet people, join clubs, do well in class. Well, I think I’ve pretty much succeeded in joining too many clubs and taking on too many classes. Ever since I came to Oxford, I have been sleeping about two hours a night or pulling all-nighters consecutively. Not only has this shown in the quality of my work, but now all of that sleep deprivation has taken a toll on my immune system. I cannot continue this lifestyle, and know that I have to drop something. The first thing that comes to mind is my “Smallpox” class.

When I first met the prof, he made his class so so exciting. He brought in his stuffed animal viruses and told us about all the neat field trips we would go on. What clinched the deal was how his complete support for his students showed in the way he talked about his former students. As an aspiring infectious disease specialist, his expertise was right up my alley, and I hoped to be able to develop a relationship with him. What better setting to do that than in a foreign country where we have to spend eight weeks together?

It took me two weeks to realize that I was not getting that much out of the class. Lots of busy work, weekly time consuming field trips, classes at 9am, (on a related note) constantly falling asleep during lecture, and uninteresting content. The biggest concern holding me back is the lamentation that it took me song long to realize this. I have already done so much of that busy work for the class, attended so many lectures and field trips, and (if I decide to drop,) will have nothing to show for it.

But what do I get out of the class? Another “A” on my transcript? Other students are taking it to fulfill major or general requirements, but I don’t need it for that either. A faculty resource? I’m sure I can find other opportunities. The time I would free up could probably be better used on my other classes or sleeping, and to improve my work with the faculty who actually matter (i.e. who will be writing my med school rec).

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not lazy, and it’s not that I prioritize my extra-curriculars above academics. But if I really loved the class then I think I would find a way to make it all fit.

Wow. That was really helpful. I approached this blank wordpress space torn between two options, and after carefully thinking and recording my thought process, it seems clear what my option should be.

5/3/3 Feel relieved to have finally come to a decision, hopefully can sleep now (insomnia again, that’s why I woke up to write this post), but very very tired after little sleep and a swim test today.

Update: After that cathartic moment, I realized that the deadline to drop classes was May 4th, four days ago. I guess I’m stuck.

Confronting my biggest weakness: letting go is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal