If you were my friend in elementary school, and you came over to my house, your would find, in the middle of our living room, the most elaborate model train track. I can still remember now, connecting the wooden tracks together, piece by piece, and running the miniature trains along the continuous circuit, through all of its turns, forks, bridges, and loops. But most of all, I remember how my three younger brothers and I laughed when the trains fell off course and landed on their side.

I’m riding the Amtrak for the first time.

I was born in the US, in Crystal City, actually. But I moved pretty soon afterward with my grandparents to my father’s hometown in China. I had my first experience on an airplane at less than one year old. In fact, my first word was “fei”, the Chinese word for “fly”. I would always clap my hands and exclaim, “fei! fei!” anytime an airplane passed by.

Despite the fact I first verbalized the action of airplanes, I really prefer trains. After my trans-pacific flight with my grandparents, we took an overnight train ride from Beijing to Wuhan, the capital of Hubei province, followed by a five hour bus before finally arriving in Jianli, the small town from which my dad was the first ever to travel to the US. It must have been then that I fell in love with trains. I returned to Jianli every few years or so, and my favorite part of the 48 hour journey is when I was rocked and lulled to sleep by the motion of the train.

I gradually forgot my romance with trains. The toy trains were packed away and I stopped visiting Jianli since the death of my great-grandma. But I must’ve subconsciously remembered, because in college when I couldn’t sleep or was stressed out by pending exams, I could listen to train sounds from a white noise iPhone app and feel instantly relaxed. Recently I bugged my youngest brother to visit Chinatown with me. He was reluctant, but while we were on the metro he suddenly remembered how my mom would take him to ride the metro back and forth, back and forth, just because he liked to sit on the train.

Now I remember. Although I have ridden the train in China and the bullet train of Japan, I have never taken the Amtrak. I usually take the Megabus because it’s much cheaper, but this time I came on business so someone else paid for my ticket. Unfortunately for my wallet, I don’t think I will be able to revert back to Megabus. The leg space, the comfort, the view, the rhythm. Yes, I will be a train-person for life.

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Update: I am now in the cafe car and the food options suck. $5 for a frozen pizza? Man. This is not at all like the trains in the movies that serve gourmet food. Oh well, at least they serve food, that’s already a 1 up on Megabus.

View from the train on the way to DC. I guess its the Delaware River?

Kudos to my kid brother for procrastinating his time on these comics made in paint…

My 14 year old kid brother made these. It’s a pretty funny portrayal of a teenager’s world view.

My grandfather asked me to come over to his apartment today to help him with a computer problem. There was a website that wasn’t working for him. I dragged my 15-year-old brother along because he is much more knowledgeable than I am about these things, but I have the advantage that I can actually communicate with both of them.

Now understand that my grandfather is almost 80, speaks no English, and only learned to use a computer a few months ago. I hooked him up with one of our old laptops that were going to end up in the e-waste center, installed the Chinese interface, and showed him how to use the internet so that he could “watch Chinese TV shows”. Every time I go home, I find my grandfather sitting on the couch, watching the actual TV and a TV show on the computer at the same time, usually a permutation of Chinese news, soap opera, or Peking opera.

So you can imagine my surprise today when I took a look at the website he had trouble with and it was a porn website. And I had dragged my younger brother over to help as well! Well there was actually just one small pornographic advertisement in the corner, and the rest of the page was a Chinese forum. I gave my grandfather the benefit of the doubt and assumed that he was visiting a site that happened to have bad ads. That happens to me sometimes too.

“It’s not your computer, it’s the website that has a problem. Can you still use it as you normally would? Then just keep doing that.”

After we left, my brother told me, “I wish Grandfather wouldn’t ask us for help with a porn website.” That’s when I found out that, apparently, when I am not at home, my grandfather frequently watches porn on his computer in our living room, while my two younger brothers (15 and 17 years old) are in the house. I should’ve listened more carefully when those muppets from Avenue Q refrained, “The internet is for porn.”

“So what do you do about it? Did you tell mom?”

“No, it’s not relevant. He’s over 18 so he’s allowed to watch porn. I just ignore it. All males watch porn. Sex is a natural human process.”

OK that is an interesting and bizarrely mature way to look at it. I guess I never really talk to my little brothers about sex. What happened to my baby brother who liked Thomas the Tank Engine so much that he would ride the metro back and forth just for fun?

My other grandfather lived with us while I was growing up, and I would frequently walk into a room to find him browsing porn websites. Later, when I tried to use the computer, all the viruses and pop-ups from the porn website would appear. I told my parents and my grandfather stopped using the computer. Maybe I shouldn’t have tattled, but I was a ten year old girl and I was freaked out.

It is my initial response to think, it’s fine if you want to watch porn but you shouldn’t watch it in such a public place. After thinking about it some more though… no, why should people be so private about it? Why is it any different than watching a youtube video? We watch movies with sex scenes in them in public all the time. I’m pleasantly surprised that someone of my grandparents’ generation can have such a liberal mindset that he would ask his grandchildren to help him with his porn.

Honestly, I think it’s cute that my grandfather watches porn. My grandmother died six years ago, and her illness left her almost a vegetable six years before that. Now, my grandfather has met and been seeing a new companion for the past two years. He even asks me to address her as grandmother, and brought her to my college graduation. Yes, it’s great that he can still enjoy sex in whatever capacity he can. I’m looking forward to a future when I am a grandparent and I can continue to watch porn and speak to my grandchildren freely about sex.

Mood: 8 Done with tests and spent the whole weekend relaxing at home! Tiredness: 8 Slept 10 hours last night! Spiritual Tiredness: 7 no more tests!

Starting a business is hard. I started a local business my senior year in high school, which began as a one room operation with me, one other teacher,  and eight students. After four years, I have extended an offer to join the operation to many others, including a partnership offer to my younger brother. I thought everything was for the best; I could distribute the responsibility while mentoring my brother in this unique work experience.  Since I was going away to college, I needed people who were still in the area to continue the work.

However, things did not turn out as expected. My brother decided that I no longer had any right to make decisions since I was never around. He neglected my repeated advice and request for updates about the organization. He took everything in his own hands and refused to allow me any responsibility.

As a result, the organization regressed. Enrollment fell to less than half the previous year, and profits dropped from on the order of 5,000 to negative; that’s right, we didn’t even break even.

I suggested some changes, but after a furious email debate, it was evident that my brother and I had different visions of what the mission of the organization should be, and where the organization should go. Any normal professional disagreement would normally be settled through a bureaucratic process or civil discussion, but my brother and I just resorted to how we handle disagreements at home: name-calling and shouting. It got personal when he started crying about how he had always looked up to me and how I had abused him.

The result of the disagreement? I stepped down from the organization, handed over full responsibility to my brother, and, for the meantime anyway, have blocked all emails and chats from him.

You can fire those who work for you, you can break partnerships up, but you can’t sever your family.

Crystal,

You’ve come this far. You’ve prepared as much as you can for this exam. And you are prepared, you know it. Just take a look at your practice test scores and you’ll know that the real one will be a piece of cake. The only thing you can do now is to get in the right mood.

This exam will not be difficult. You should not be scared of this exam. In fact, it’s the exam that should be scared of you. It’s just a challenge, like a video game obstacle course, and you there to knock down all the questions. Think of the baffled look on the question writers’ faces when you’ve completed their game.

No matter what, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, your brothers, your friends, they will all be proud of you and will always be there to support you. Look at your hand – see that ring grandma gave you before she died? She is watching you from heaven and will always guide you.

I’m proud of you too. Because you know what? You are going to be a great doctor. If this exam can help get you there, then great. But it doesn’t matter if it can’t, because you are going to follow your dreams no matter what, and you are going to do the best that you can do. In the end, tomorrow is not everything, and good or bad, its mere completion is just one step closer to your future.

Love,

Self

My grandmother died last night at 6:20 pm at 69 years old. She had finally lost the six month battle against gall bladder cancer. I’m relieved and happy for her death. In life, she was in constant pain, hanging on by IVs and medication. Still, she was strong. She rejected pain medication until the end, and held on for longer than anyone had expected. My grandfather and the rest of my family was in limbo, staying with her while she skimmed the surface between life and death, waiting for the inevitable. Death was a release for her and for everyone in my family.

At first, I felt guilty that I didn’t feel more sad. In fact, it was almost as if nothing had really happened. But that is because in my mind, I had been preparing for this moment for the past few months. I had already said goodbye to her months before she actually died.

I never got to go back to China after spring break. I didn’t want to. I wanted to remember my grandmother as she was when she was still able to talk to me, still able to tell me to take care of myself.   When I last saw her, she was waving and smiling to me as the hospital elevator doors closed. Three months later, in the pictures that my mom brought home, she had shriveled into what I imagine one of those polyps from Ursala’s lair must look like in human form.

I was similar to her in a lot of ways; she always said that I was her favorite because we were both dragons and my middle name is her maiden name, Yuan. Her home is full of her random collections: a vase from Beijing, a painting of mine, a backpack from ten years ago. She must have been the inspiration for my love of stuff, and everytime my mom came back from China she would have a suitcase full of surprises my grandma bought for me. I found this old website I had made when I was first learning html — but it shows a lot of pictures of my room and my stuff.

I regret not asking her to teach me to knit. I always wanted to learn how to knit – I had heard as a child that it helped with surgical dexterity. When I found out I had gotten into college, I called my parents in China. My mom told my grandmother, who was living with them at the time in Beijing, that I was accepted into Stanford. My grandma asked what school that was, and my mom replied that it was the best school in the US. Then my grandma was so happy she didn’t stop knitting scarves. I still have all 11 of those scarves, each one a different color, shape, and size, and each one beautiful.

15 year old me wearing all the knitted goodies my grandma made me: scarf, socks, sweater

Before I left the hospital, she slipped the gold ring off her finger and slid it onto mine. It was too big for me, so I had to wrap red thread around it until it fit snugly. It is not in a perfect circle, so I  keep bending and contorting it in all directions – but I only make it worse. I think this was her way of passing the torch, asking me to take care of those who she was going to be leaving behind; my grandfather, my parents, my brothers. I will, don’t worry.

I will miss her. She was the most happy, genuinely kind person I had ever known. She filled her life with what she loved. She is a model of who I aspire to be.

On the day of China's Olympic Opening Ceremony, she brought us these to celebrate

A family portrait three months before she died

Here is a video of my grandmother that I had made as a present for Mother’s Day

1. Color with felt tip markers
2. Play my favorite online game online
3. Catch up on favorite TV shows and Detective Conan manga
4. Take a shower and change into pj’s
5. Eat mint chocolate (esp Aero’s)
6. Listen to soundtracks from my favorite musicals (Les Mis, Wicked, Rent)
7.  Dance to my Ne-yo playlist on my bed when no one else is there.
8. Call my close friends and catch up over hour long conversations
9. Blog
10. Sleep!

This May, I made a resolution to make the most of dealing with my grandmother’s cancer. She is currently in the late stages of gall bladder cancer, and within the past few months has progressed quite quickly. However, I never really know how bad it is, because every time I call, she uses all her effort to sound cheerful, and does not let on how tired and weak she really is.

Read a previous introspective post where I grapple with the difficulty of saying goodbye to my grandmother for the last time here.

I started a twitter poll asking others how their lives have been affected by cancer, and pledged to donate 1$/response to the American Cancer Society. I hoped that this contest would not only raise awareness about cancer, but also form a support network for me. It’s comforting to know that so many others have gone through this, to whom I can seek advice.

Here are the responses to the question: How has your life been affected by cancer?

RT@ redrobinrockn oh sweetie, so sorry 2 hear that. I understand. I lost my beloved brother 2cancer. I wish I could hug you right now

RT@ mckayzoo1year breast cancer survivor.Life is good& I have hair again!

RT @lmyeaney 1 grandmother passed from throat cancer, and the other is a lung(12yrs) & breast(3yrs) cancer survivor!

RT@bnax: my mom has been fighting cancer for nearly 16 years

RT @ChoosingChange my mother has lost two close friends to cancer. When I was a teen a friend died from lung cancer

bnax@troubledcrystal my mom has had cancer for 15 years going on 16 soon and she is still fighting it every day

karebear3261@troubledcrystal My husband went into a major depressive episode after being his mother’s caregiver…she had lung cancer

inedia_bella@troubledcrystal My grandmother died from it. My aunt had a double masectomy because of it.

ChoosingChange@troubledcrystal my aunt is battling breast &now possibly blood cancer. Her amazing attitude encourages those that should be encouraging her

ChoosingChange@troubledcrystal she was diagnosed after her husband finished such intense chemo treatments that they were not allowed to use same washrooms

alicencrazyland: Lost both parents to cancer thus my mental health issues. Smoking is no joke!

That’s 10 responses for 10$

Thanks to everyone who responded!

I just finished making this present for my mother and grandmother.

Sorry for those who can’t understand Chinese. The beginning is a poem about mothers, the song is called “Invisible Wings” by Angela Chang, and the end says “Mom, Grandma, you are my invisible wings” “Happy Mother’s Day!”

Let me know what you think

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxsxJcAiCYg[/youtube]