“How did you do number 4.a?”  I don’t look up from my book. Time is limited, and I am tired.

“What?”

He’s staring blankly at me, clearly distracted. “Oh.. I don’t know, I think it’s in the lecture slides somewhere…”

“You really don’t look like you want to work on this problem set.” Oh underclassmen…

He’s grinning that guilty smile, like he wants to tell me something.

“It’s my birthday this weekend. My boyfriend is taking me to the San Jose Sharks game.”

“Oh cool!” I’m smiling. They had only recently gotten back together, so good for them.

“And then I’m going to donate blood in the blood drive organized by them and Stanford.” He looks so happy and excited…

“Oh..” Try not to show your thoughts, Crystal.

“I don’t know if you know this but…” How am I supposed to explain this to him?

“They don’t exactly…

allow…

menwhohavehadsexwithothermendonateblood.”

There, I said it.

“What do you mean? Why not?”

“They’re paranoid of HIV.”

He’s not responding. Maybe I should keep talking.

“It’s a really stupid rule. It’s just a relic from the old days when they didn’t know what was causing HIV and the blood supply would get contaminated.”

Still no response.

“You see, these days they test for HIV in everyone’s blood after it’s collected, so there should be no risk. But still, they won’t accept you.”

Finally, he’s about to say something.

“What will they do if I show up?”

“They will literally turn you away. They will say, ‘I’m sorry but you cannot donate blood in the US.’”

“But not all gay men have HIV. I don’t have HIV.”

I don’t know what else to say. I can’t explain it to him, because there really is no explanation. I’ve never experienced a silence so loud before.

“Guess I’m not doing that then.”

Read Bad Blood Part I

This Thanksgiving, I would like to give a shout-out to those things that make my life complete. Thank you for being such an integral part of my happiness!

Gchat: Thank you for being my main vehicle of communication with friends. Thank you for  importing my aim contacts so that I don’t have to open two chat clients, or rather, even launch one at all.. Oh, and thank you for adding people automatically, like my professors and TAs, so I can always know when they are ignoring my emails.

Good Chinese food. Thank you! It’s so hard to find a good place to eat these days. I usually hate going to other Chinese restaurants, but that’s because there are so few good ones out there. That’s why I am thankful that places like the Hong Kong seafood bistro on Castro Street we ate at tonight exist; thank you for not drowning every item in soy sauce, for not having a signature dish of hot and sour soup or General Tsao’s Chicken, and for serving peanuts with MSG (much to the distaste of health conscious Americans). Usually you can be indentified by the predominantly Chinese makeup of your customers, and to the few patrons of other ethnicities, you have my props.

Gummi coke candy. Have you ever tasted such a perfect fusion of taste and texture? Miniature shaped cola bottles that fade from dark brown to clear. Perfect to leave in your mouth and melt, suck along the length of the bottle, or chew impatiently and immediately pop another. Caution: 1 pack may not last as long as you would like, but multiple packs may result in binge popping. Thanks!

Roommates: Thank you for putting up with me while I had swine flu, for protecting yourself from my virus hacking coughs, for always letting me in when I forget my key (like today), and for being faithful company to weekly senior pub nights. Thank you for letting my boyfriend crash on our couch when he’s too drunk to drive home, and letting your own drunk friends crash in our room.

Verde Milk Tea: Thank you for being probably the only other perfect combination of food and texture; for the perfect amount of frothiness with the perfect flavor. Thank you for the free wifi, unlike starbucks, so that I can bring my homework and thus not feel guilty about driving 40 minutes just to have you. And thank you for always running out of my favorite flavor, rose, and for always closing right when I have my late night milk tea urges. Also, thanks for keeping my wallet empty.

My Levi’s Skinny Jeans: Thanks for being the perfect companion to a night on the town. Whenever I’m in the mood for a little booze, you’re always there. Along with some pumps, you make all the guys stare and buy my drinks. Thanks for keeping my wallet a little fat.

and YOU! I know this is cheesy, but its true. Thanks for reading my pointless ramblings and thoughts about my life. Thanks for caring. And thanks for being the amazing people who have touched my life.

Recently I found myself mooching off the charity of my friends until I found a place of my own to stay. I stayed with one friend one night, another the next three, and another the last three. This hot potato of playing guest, followed by hosting a guest for one week, led me to thinking about the nuances of hosting a guest and being a guest.

We’ve all experienced how stressful it is to host a guest. Well-meaning extensions of friendship quickly turn sour when boundaries are crossed, or when a guest overstays his or her welcome. I’ve heard complaints about everything from financial incursions to physical space taken up, but the most stressful part of hosting, for me, is the emotional burden of needing to keep my guest entertained. One time my freshman year of college, I had three friends visit me two weeks apart. I ended up taking a friend to the same attractions in San Francisco three times. And no matter how much they insist that I should finish my homework and not worry about them, I still feel bad doing work. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends dearly; in fact, probably there in lies the root of my problem: I’m not ok with just acting as a guesthouse for my friends.

I’m generally on the other side of the relationship, whether it is bumming on my friends’ dorm room floors, visiting relatives, or staying with the friend of a friend. And for all you who generally host your friends more than is reciprocated, let me tell you that, being a guest is stressful too! As a guest, I constantly feel like I am overburdening my hosts, on top the emotional instability from not having a place of my own. Even if I help with the chores, keep my clothes in a neat little suitcase,  make friends with my host’s housemates, and offer to help pay for gas, I am still aware of the undue stress I add to my host.

Hosts tend to complain about guests, but you gotta give ‘em a break, because guests get stressed too! It seems like if both parties are experiencing stress, there must be some way to resolve the issue. Until a solution is found, I’ve come up with a solution of my own. Lots of books and websites will tell you rules about being a good guest/host, but it all boils down to one simple maxim: avoid hosting and being a guest as much as possible.

“because I don’t think that you are a good person.”

“But why?”

“You’re too petty.”

A little over a year later, I don’t know why, but we start talking again. a lot. For the past week, we’ve been talking on the phone for over three hours a night. You know that I still like you, that I still haven’t gotten over the idea of us. And you say that you care for me, but you still don’t like me because I’m ‘petty’. I know I’m petty, I tell you. I’m working on it, trying not to get pissed off over little things, trying to not hold grudges and stay mad for a long time. I really am getting better.

Last night you called me in the middle of a party. When I told you that I would call you later you replied, visibly (or audibly, in this case) frustrated, that you were going to sleep. I felt pretty bad after that and I wasn’t able to enjoy the party or go to sleep for hours.

Today when you called, I told you that the way you said those things hurt my feelings. You told me to stop being so sensitive. Am I just being petty again?

“So what does petty mean to you?” I ask.

“Making something that’s not a big deal a big deal.”

It wasn’t even that big a deal, but the fact that you just completely dismissed how I felt makes me wonder whether you really care about me, whether you really care about anyone’s feelings. You are not even listening to me.

Or maybe I should just let this slide. I am clearly getting more upset over this, while he is sleeping peacefully, ignorant of how he has made me feel. What is the use of getting mad?

Caught in between my desire to assert myself and the desire to prove to you that I’m not petty, I am paralyzed and hurt.

This May, I made a resolution to make the most of dealing with my grandmother’s cancer. She is currently in the late stages of gall bladder cancer, and within the past few months has progressed quite quickly. However, I never really know how bad it is, because every time I call, she uses all her effort to sound cheerful, and does not let on how tired and weak she really is.

Read a previous introspective post where I grapple with the difficulty of saying goodbye to my grandmother for the last time here.

I started a twitter poll asking others how their lives have been affected by cancer, and pledged to donate 1$/response to the American Cancer Society. I hoped that this contest would not only raise awareness about cancer, but also form a support network for me. It’s comforting to know that so many others have gone through this, to whom I can seek advice.

Here are the responses to the question: How has your life been affected by cancer?

RT@ redrobinrockn oh sweetie, so sorry 2 hear that. I understand. I lost my beloved brother 2cancer. I wish I could hug you right now

RT@ mckayzoo1year breast cancer survivor.Life is good& I have hair again!

RT @lmyeaney 1 grandmother passed from throat cancer, and the other is a lung(12yrs) & breast(3yrs) cancer survivor!

RT@bnax: my mom has been fighting cancer for nearly 16 years

RT @ChoosingChange my mother has lost two close friends to cancer. When I was a teen a friend died from lung cancer

bnax@troubledcrystal my mom has had cancer for 15 years going on 16 soon and she is still fighting it every day

karebear3261@troubledcrystal My husband went into a major depressive episode after being his mother’s caregiver…she had lung cancer

inedia_bella@troubledcrystal My grandmother died from it. My aunt had a double masectomy because of it.

ChoosingChange@troubledcrystal my aunt is battling breast &now possibly blood cancer. Her amazing attitude encourages those that should be encouraging her

ChoosingChange@troubledcrystal she was diagnosed after her husband finished such intense chemo treatments that they were not allowed to use same washrooms

alicencrazyland: Lost both parents to cancer thus my mental health issues. Smoking is no joke!

That’s 10 responses for 10$

Thanks to everyone who responded!

When I neglect my blog, that means one of three things:

1) I’m so happy that I either don’t have time to blog because I’m busy enjoying life, or I don’t need to blog to release my emotions

2) I’m so busy and stressed out academically that I don’t have time to write

3) I’m too depressed start writing

It’s been almost a week since my last entry, and as I reflect back on this past week I must say that it’s definitely not option number one. Blogging is just like any habit, once you miss out once, it’s easy to continue missing out, and every day missed brings down my self esteem. Every day, it was just so easy to spend that last hour of my day stressing instead of destressing. Over the weekend, I slept almost twelve hours every day (on Saturday I woke up at 4 in the afternoon) and canceled just about every commitment I had (dance practice, chorus performance, elderly center volunteering, squash game). It seems that I’ve entered a state of stress-induced paralyzation and lethargy.

Some of you may have seen my facebook and twitter status last night: FML FML FML FML FML. Today at four I had a twelve page essay due, for which I had only started writing last night. Halfway into the night, with twelve pages of bullshit and hours of reading left to go, I could not manage to focus my attention on my work and kept watching Taylor Swift videos on youtube. I was also craving chocolate cookies but could not gratify myself. It’s funny how despite the fact that I have less assignments this week, my stress level was higher. Even though I’ve dealt with writing papers of equal length every week, for some reason I couldn’t handle it last night. Looking back, I have absolutely no idea how I went from twelve blank pages to twelve pages of text, and I also have no idea where my 16 hours went. But in the end, no matter how far away from completing your work you think you are, work always gets completed.

As I crawled into bed tonight, with no intention of writing, my mind started to race – as it usually does when I try to sleep – and I could not fall asleep despite having only slept two hours last night. That’s when I decided that I should finally get out my laptop and write down what it is that is bothering me.

I have a friend who has feelings for me, but I don’t have feelings for him. It’s strange because theoretically he is just my kind of guy: smart in a specialized field (biomechanical engineer going to grad school next year), yet cares about receiving a liberal education (takes random classes like psychology), has similar interests (was in my Chinese history and literature classes), and knows how to have fun (is my dance partner in the dance competition). My friend (the green elf) even told me that he sounds perfect for me. But the laws of attraction cannot be explained, and I just am not attracted to him.

This is not a situation that is foreign to me. It’s actually pretty common for my guy friends to like me. My roommate says she can see why: because I’m pretty open and warm to others. Generally though, my friends are pretty far away and I can just let the situation smolder. Additionally, we were very good friends to begin with, so after the fact we can return to being good friends.

However, in this case I only met him at the beginning of the term and am living in the same building with him for the next five weeks. If I deliberately ignore him, a) it will be quite obvious and require significant effort on my part, and b) we won’t just go back to being friends – but will probably not continue to develop our young friendship.

I had the sense that he liked me since the beginning of the term. One night I had a nightmare in which I dated a tall Asian guy who looked remarkably similar to him; in the nightmare, I let myself agree to see the man, even though I didn’t like him and ended up feeling horribly trapped in a relationship I never wanted.

In my wakeful life, I’ve been pretending to play dumb to all his signals. However, I have a feeling that I can’t keep putting it off anymore. He is a pretty forward guy, and it wouldn’t surprise me to hear him confess his feelings for me soon. Today, I heard it through the grapevine that he has been confiding in our classmates about his frustrations over how I don’t respond to his signals. Our dance competition is this Saturday, and he proposed a celebratory dinner afterwards – somehow I feel like he is planning more than a celebration of our dancing.

Sigh:: so what is bothering me is – how do I let him know that I am not interested in him, without hurting his feelings and still keeping the possibility of developing our friendship? What should I do if he does confess his feelings for me?

If you haven’t checked it out yet, a piece I wrote was featured in American Goulash, a blog about growing up in a cross-cultural environment.

Also please reply to my poll in the feedback page to let me know what you would like to see more of!

Full moon overlooks Jericho neighborhood

solitary midnight biker

Hotel worker in kilt uniform gets off work and greets his friend on bike

last bus of the night takes midnight commuters home

Street lamps light up a panel of ghost houses

homeless man uses store light to read

Kabob vans serve hungry late night customers until 3 am

a girl, a mailbox, and a sign post

I once said that my life was so messed up, I wish I had a little green elf sitting on my shoulder telling me what to do. Well I have one friend who is the closest thing I’ve got to that little green elf. The night before I left for England, I was chatting on the phone with him and asked him what he thought my goals for Oxford should be. He said:

1. Hook up with at least three people
2. Make at least ten friendly acquaintances and get to know one person very well
3. Do as many activities as possible

Seeing as how I am studying at Oxford, but not a registered Oxford student, don’t get to take any classes with Oxford students, and live in a house with Stanford students, it’s going to be very hard to reach out socially. But I’m determined that at the end of this term, even if I haven’t made any friends, you won’t be able to say that I didn’t try.

Happy May Day! Check back tomorrow for picture of Morris Dancing!

I’ve been in England for about two weeks now, and unfortunately have not had the best experience with the British from the start. I had been warned that the British generally are not as outwardly friendly as Americans, and I’ve heard that British complain about the insincerity of American chipperness. But I didn’t expect to encounter just plain rudeness.

I’ll provide below a few snapshots of the people I have encountered. A caveat: these are only my observations after a very limited exposure to Britain. I’m sure that I will be able to meet lots of nice people here that will turn my view of the Brits around.

Restaurant service: One of my favorite hobbies is restaurant and cafe hopping, so even though I’ve only been in England a short time, I’ve visited quite a fair number of the eateries in Oxford. In general, the service is sub-par, probably because there is no tip. While I don’t mind lackadaisical service, I must say that I’ve encountered a much higher frequency of rude service in the UK than in the US. The service is mostly marked by impatience; the waiters hurry you through the entire process (ordering, paying) so that they can get new customers seated. Last night a large group of us went out for a birthday and the waiter asked us whether we wanted the food all together or starters first. While we had some internal table discussion (that admittedly might’ve taken longer than usual), the waiter told us, “please make up your mind”. There was only one other table in the otherwise empty restaurant. But I can’t make a completely negative judgment against them, because the Indian food was delicious and they gave us free desert.

Customs and Immigration (from an earlier post): I arrived in England to the warm welcome of the customs agent lecturing me:

- Why are you coming to the UK?

- I’m studying here

- When did you start to study here?

- I am just starting now

- Then you don’t say ‘I am studying here. That means that you already started and are continuing. You should say, ‘I will be studying here’

I didn’t realize this was immigration and grammar control.

Hospital volunteer services: I mentioned before that I contacted doctors at the hospital to see if I could shadow them. A received a fair number of responses inviting me to join them, but saying that they would first have to file paperwork.  I received this email from volunteer services:

Dear Crystal
I have now received 10 emails form departments and doctors that you have asked for a placement
CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SENDING EMAILS TO DOCTORS

You have a placement with Dr. T__

If I receive any further emails from doctors regarding a placement I am sorry they will be ignored
I do not have an inordinate amount of time to keep emailing one person about work shadowing

Here is the response I would like to give:

Dear Obviously Professionally Frustrated,

I contacted many people at once because doctors actually are busy people and I know some of them would just ignore my email. Perhaps it’s not standard procedure at your hospital for people to approach doctors themselves (I guess you’re used to people coming through you first). But that does not excuse your rudeness and disrespect; everybody deserves some courtesy. Can we think back to first grade when we learned how to communicate? I don’t think yelling via email was one of the suggested methods.

Is this how you get a power kick, by asserting your authority in angry emails to lowly students? Or maybe you just like playing with the capslock. I would love to see you say this to my face. Volunteer services is supposed to be the face of the hospital to the public. I hope, for the sake of the hospital and the community, that you learn to improve your attitude (and to stop complaining about your very difficult and demanding job).

My actual response:

Dear Ms.,

I’m sorry if there is a protocol for arranging shadowing that I was not aware of. The hospital I work at asks us to contact doctors individually. I  contacted multiple people because I was hoping to have the opportunity to visit many different departments for one day/short term placements. I had contacted all the doctors before I received a response from Dr. T_.

I have not contacted and will not contact any more doctors. Please go ahead and ignore any new emails you receive concerning my placement. I appreciate your help with the arrangements and will return the paperwork to you as soon as I can.

Sincerely,

Crystal

Does anyone have experience in the UK and can offer some advice about interacting with the British? My sour view of British social interaction has completely ruined my mood and set the tone for the remainder of this trip. I desperately want to be able to write a post by the end of the term with three portraits of great people I’ve met here.

One hour ago, I sat down eager to write a new post with the most interesting updates about my time here. At 12:52 AM, I am still sitting in front of a blank document. Instead of viewing this as time wasted, I thought I might turn it into something productive by making my filler time the subject of this post because it gives quite valuable insight into my daily life.

I finally sat down and got around to answering (almost) all of my emails. Ever since I arrived, I have been flooded by emails, most of them advertising events on campus which are immediately archived without a second glance. The next group comprise a fair number about Oxford that need reply. These come from people I’ve contacted to see if I can join their club (Competitive Ballroom, Croquet, Cricket, Crew, Board Games Club, Choir, etc.), take their class (immunology, economics), or observe them at work (doctors at Oxford hospital to ask if I can join them at work for a day). During the week these emails are starred to deal with later, and since the weekend has come, I’ve finally managed to clear them.

Finally the most treasured yet most painful emails are from friends asking how I’ve been doing. For obvious reasons, treasured because they come from friends actually interested in how I’m doing; painful because when I receive them, I can only star them to mark for later reply when I have the time to give it the full and proper response it deserves – then that day never comes. From setting up activities and classes, to researching new activities to join, to actually doing homework, I have managed to leave my old friends behind in the dust.

I wrote before about the troubles I have with my email. Someday I’ll be able to break free of this constant struggle to maintain a clean inbox. In the meantime,  please be patient, a response will come and it will be well worth the wait!

I also uploaded the latest video diary and a recap of my spring break (I tried to condense it into 27 seconds so it won’t take long)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiloNZZSo1Y[/youtube]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qiqx_QsqAIo[/youtube]

5/4/3 Feel very bogged down, with so many things on my to do list, and let’s not even mention school.