Upon check in at orientation, a staff member asks me for my Core Values assignment. I hadn’t done it.

“Why not?”

“I must’ve missed the email”

“You mean you missed every single one of the FOUR emails I sent you?”

I had no clue what she was talking about. She hands me a pen and paper and asks me to write an essay about my top core values on the bus to the orientation. “You’ll need it today,” she explained.

It wasn’t until the end of orientation week that I realized I had a new school email address, and that all of the communications from my school were directed there. When I signed in for the first time, I encountered mountains beyond mountains of email. Among those were these two from the staff member above:

—–

Hi

As of this morning, we have not yet received your core values and/or your retreat consent form.  We must have these in had by noon today.

Please make every effort to send us these documents ASAP.

——

Then a few hours later…

Hi again-

We REALLY need your core values within the next hour.  (we have some administrative work to do with them before tomorrow).

Please make every effort to send them to us ASAP.

—-

Other emails I had missed included multiple notices of social gatherings of my classmates with subject lines “Happy hour tonight!”. And here I was thinking the whole time that everyone else was invited to these events but me.

In any case, that was a long preamble. Let’s return to the core values.  Of course, everyone groaned at this activity, but I actually found it insightful. Then again, I am into introspection. Here are my core values as written in 20 minutes on a bumpy bus ride:

1. Acceptance: to whole-heartedly accept another person with their positive and negative aspects. To withhold judgment. To really look past the exterior of a person and see their core values that narrate their life. To give all that I can to another. To forgive others of past wrong-doing. To accept that I am unable to influence others and that they ultimately make their own decisions and are responsible to themselves.

2. Diligence: To strive for excellence in anything I set out to do. To put my entire attention and effort into an endeavor, no matter how small. To have a high standard for my actions, so that if anyone entrusts a task to me, they can be sure that it will be done and done well.

3. Accountability: To be responsible and trustworthy on the issues for which others depend on me, and to be responsible for myself. Don’t be late. Complete tasks on time. And strive to the best extent possible if otherwise. Take care of personal needs, including health and social. Addendum: Strive for excellence but maintain a minimum standard of competency.

—-

It’s ironic that my last core value is to complete tasks on time and I clearly did not do that for this assignment. This beautifully illustrates the fact that my core values describe the person I aspire to be, and that is still a work in progress.

My Core Values: Acceptance, Diligence, and Accountability is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

“I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?” asked the somewhat startled wise man.

To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, “But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, “It made a difference to that one!”

—–

The story is adapted from an essay by Loren Eisley, called “The Star Thrower”. I present the story, abridged from Voices4Children.

I first heard the starfish story through my friend who was volunteering through Americorps for City Year. In his work with inner city youth, each life touched makes a difference even if the numbers are limited.

I haven’t devoted an entire two years of my life to changing others’ lives. But recently, I did have my own little starfish experience. Only it wasn’t with starfish, but a related animal, the sand dollar. My boyfriend and I went to Oceano Beach near San Luis Obispo in late July. After a full day of all-terrain vehicle driving on the Oceano Dunes, I walked the beach and was so excited to see what I found beneath my feet. My first sand dollar! Unfortunately, that first one had already dried and cracked in half, an early death brought on by a receding tide, sun, and wayward children. As I looked around I noticed hundreds of similarly cracked sand dollars. But every one in a hundred, there would be a wholly intact one, whose tissues were still moist enough to sustain life. The tide was going down, and just like the boy in the story explained, they were going to dessicate and die. So I walked down the beach, with my boyfriend begrudgingly following behind, and threw back into the ocean every live sand dollar I found over a stretch of two miles. I’m ashamed to say, however, that I am not as altruistic as the boy in the story. When I found an intact but dead sand dollar, I kept it for myself.

Don’t mind the clashing outfit. That same weekend, a ticket agent asked if I wanted to purchase a senior ticket, and I don’t mean senior in college.

Mood 5 It’s 2AM and I can’t sleep because that red-eye flight screwed up my sleep schedule/ Tired 7 should not be this high of a rating at 2AM!/Spiritual Tired 4 Although I had a great weekend, I’m unfortunately super behind on studying for our first exams next week. I hope I fall asleep dreaming about embryology, otherwise I don’t know how I will learn it all.

My own starfish story is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

My goal calendar

This is all part of my project this quarter to become more organized. As evidenced from the clutter of my desk, I am your proverbial messy roommate. Sometimes it’s quaint, and my roommates don’t mind; but sometimes it becomes a problem – like when my boyfriend dropped me off at my dorm on his way up north to a party in San Francisco so I could finish my oceans of homework. When I reached the front door, I realized the keys were inside my room – and I ended up accompanying him to the party after a 30 minute detour. (It ended up well though, because the party had the most exquisite variety of cheeses to offer.) I’m sure my roommates also aren’t too pleased whenever I call and say… can you come back to the dorm, I’m locked out. I’ve always been absent-minded, but I was never motivated enough to do something about it until my quaint traits started to interfere with and frustrate other people’s lives.

General Clutter of my desk

I first identified my goals:

1. Floss every night. I never got into this habit as a kid and my dentist tells me it shows.
2. Get enough sleep (and don’t fall asleep in class). I hate falling asleep during class, because it’s disrespectful to the teacher and also because it’s a waste of my time. I also hate plodding through my day tired.
3. Write. I enjoy writing in this blog, because it helps me to organize and express my thoughts. However, I tend to fall into spurs and lulls; sometimes writing every day, other times neglecting my writing for months at a time.
4. Don’t forget keys. A simple one, but tangible and will make a big impact.
5. Don’t be late to anything. Part of my desire to become more accountable. I grew up pretty much always running late to things. In college I learned firsthand that being late shows disrespect – I hated when others were late on me

Next, I created a method to track my progress.

The goal calendar assigns one start color to each goal and contains one cell for each day of the remainder of the quarter. Each row represents one week, starting from Sat to Fri. The rows are numbered on the left with their academic week numbers (four through six). For each day, I apply the appropriate stars if the goal was completed. By the time I reach the end of one row, I can celebrate on Saturday if all the goals were completed for the week. My boyfriend has offered my reward for completing the week as taking me out to dinner.

The goal calendar works so far, because:

• it’s right in front of my desk, so I see it everyday
• it looks so pretty I just want to make sure it gets used. (colors!)
• putting stickers on the calendar is fun
• investing the 30 minutes to make it furthers my dedication to the overall project
• the rewards are enticing

Finally, I implemented ways to help me carry out the specific goals.

I haven’t fully figured out how yet, but so far I’ve made significant progress on the “forgetting keys” goal.

1. Before we leave anywhere, either my boyfriend or I will remember to ask each about the key. Two people remembering will have a higher probability than one alone.
2. When I enter my room, I will hang my keys on a thumbtack next to the door. It helps that the lights are right there too, so if I have to turn them on then I will immediately remember to hang the keys.
3. If the keys are not there, a cleverly placed note reminds me right as I leave the room.

Unrelated to my goals, but in line with the general process of becoming organized, I created a board of weekly assignments. It’s permanent marker on white board, and lists the recurring assignments I have every week. Once I complete it, I can cross it off with dry-erase. At the end of the week, I simply erase and the assignment list remains – fresh as ever. (Don’t worry, when I need to erase the permanent marker, I can simply write over it with dry erase and wipe of the permanent marker – a useful trick I learned in teaching high school debate.)

my assignment board

I’m not sure how effective these methods will be, since I only implemented them recently, but I will provide an update a few weeks into the project. For now, I’m just looking forward to placing a blue sticker on Monday Jan 25th for the “write” goal.

Project: Organize is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

A message from the past is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

Have you ever had those moments when you know that you did something wrong, you feel like a terrible person, and there is nothing you can do to make up for what you did?

Over spring break, all the students who are studying abroad next quarter had to move out by the beginning of break. I am staying in my friend’s room while she and her roommate are away on break. Another friend needed a place to stay for a night, and since there was a vacant bed next to mine, I let her stay there.

Now, I know this is where red flags should be going off and my brain (or my conscience) should be telling me: Crystal…

1)   You don’t know her roommate very well

2)   Her roommate doesn’t know your friend at all

3)   Why didn’t you just ask beforehand, you obviously have no respect for other people’s personal space. Just because you don’t have a sense of personal boundaries doesn’t mean everyone else has the same standards as you.

To make matters worse, I am an extremely messy and disorganized person. Thinking that I was the only person to occupy that room until school starts, I just lived there as if it were my own room, planning to clean up before anyone came back. I know that I wasn’t very organized about keeping my clothes properly stored in my suitcase, and I probably just threw my towels on the ground (mostly on my friend’s side of the room but its possible that some of my mess spilled over onto the other half of the floor).

I stayed off campus for two nights, and when I returned at 7:30 this morning, I was surprised to see that all my stuff had been randomly thrown onto my friend’s half of the room, including my other friend’s comforter that she had left on the bed and I had no idea who it belonged to.  Although the roommate was not there, I could tell that she was pissed by the way she returned my belongings to me. I wrote her an apologetic email acknowledging that what I did was stupid and disrespectful; she writes me back a passive aggressive email listing grievances including dirty towels on her stuff, food on her desk, and someone having slept in her newly washed sheets. She ends with asking when I am moving out.

Ok so maybe I am a coward. So maybe the only reason I care about this is the dread of having to go back to that room. I’m already chickening out; I decided to move out tonight, at least I won’t have to spend an awkward night with the roommate. If I never had to see her again, I know I would tell myself, “Crystal, you did all that you could have done. It’s ok if she doesn’t forgive you. Just remember next time so you don’t piss someone else off.” But I know that I need to go back and apologize in person. Even if she is really pissed off at me. Even if she doesn’t forgive me.

In the end, I’m a bit thankful that this happened. I need to learn to grow up, to be less self-absorbed. I made my mistake because I was not considerate of other people’s feelings. Can you believe that I am already 20 years old, and this is the first time that I’ve had to seriously apologize to someone that I don’t know very well? Realizing that you’ve still got a lot of growing up to do is not easy.

Here’s the plan: I’m going to buy her a plant (her room is full of plants that I had been watering while she was away). If she doesn’t want it, I’ll tell her to just give it to her roommate. I’ll buy a card too explaining how terrible I feel, and if she’s not there when I go back tonight to move out I’ll just leave it on her desk. If she is there I’ll talk to her about it. I hope that’s not too cowardly…

3/5/4

Growing up is hard to do is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

But there is one part of me where I still haven’t grown up, and that is when it comes to guys. I let my mood and my self-esteem depend too much on the guys that I like. To start, if I don’t have a guy in mind, then I feel very empty, like I don’t have anything to govern my behavior. Thus, if I don’t like a guy anymore immediately I have to find a new target. I can’t be satisfied just being my own single self. If my crush doesn’t like me back, it makes me feel unattractive and worthless.

When I confessed my feelings to my current crush, I thought that nothing would change. I thought we could still be friends, but as the weeks went on, everything became more and more awkward. Every time I talk to him, I feel as if he might think that I’m just trying to get him to like me. I definitely spent much more time together with him before. Once my roommate told him that he should come to hang out in our room more often, and he agreed; he never once came to hang out in our room, but I always saw him in the room across the hall from me. Over spring break, I am living in the room next to his because I had to move out of mine. I always go say hi to him and his roommate, but he will never come talk to me. It’s not so hard is it? I even made it easier by moving to a room closer to his. Sometimes he is super nice to me, and others he just ignores me. It  pisses me off when people are rude to others, regardless of the feelings between them. One time I confessed to one of my best friends from home that I liked him, and he decided to ignore me for two months. Why should you treat a friend differently just because they happen to like you? I think I learned my lesson; despite everyone applauding brave girls who just are straightforward about their feelings, I don’t advise it if you still want to remain friends with the person.

The first day of class I had Chinese lit and Chinese rituals back to back through lunch on Tuesday. I noticed this cute guy in both of those classes, and we introduced ourselves after class. Since both of us hadn’t had lunch, I asked him if he wanted to eat together, and we had a great conversation over lunch. We found out that we have very similar interests; he is a Chinese major and wants to go into Chinese medicine, while I want to practice Western medicine in China. Thinking that we could make getting lunch a weekly tradition, I was looking forward to the next Tuesday, but he just left class quickly without saying anything to me. I decided to give him up. One time after class we happened to be chatting next to our bikes, and remembering how much I enjoyed our conversations, I asked if he wanted to grab lunch. He said he had to go, but that we would get lunch next week. Next Tuesday, I excitedly made myself look nicer in anticipation of our lunch; he didn’t come to class. Thinking he was sick, I forgave him. Next class, he never mentioned it. Not one “sorry I was sick”, “I forgot”, or “can we re-schedule?” I decided he was a douchebag. Last day of class, he runs up to me to give me my wallet which I had forgotten in class, and we start chatting again. Stupidly, I asked if he wanted to get lunch and he said yes, but this week was bad can we try for next week after finals? When I called him, he said he had too much work, and already had dinner plans for all the meals until he left for break. He was surprised to hear from me and didn’t even seem to remember what he said last week. He said, “we’ll definitely get together when I come back from break”. Yeah right. I’m not going to call him again.

There was another person that I liked this quarter. For a month, whenever I went out the dorm I would walk down the hall past his room (even if it was out of my way), or I would go visit my friends in that side of the dorm, to increase the chance of bumping into him. If I heard his voice in the lounge I would go and pretend to be going to the dining hall. Sometimes he was really nice to me and others, he would be very unfriendly. I quickly got over him because I knew that he just didn’t care about me, but then every time he was nice I forgot and the cycle would start all over again. He would lean against me, tickle and poke me, and give me all these signs to make me think that he liked me. But I quickly found out that he is just a very touchy-feely person. He also only ever hung out with me when my friend from high school was visiting.  I lost interest in him and started to like the other guy who also doesn’t like me back.

I know that I should have self-confidence, and that is what guys find attractive. I know that I should love myself before I can expect others to love me. But when you go from being interested in guy to guy to guy, and none of them find you attractive, how can you tell yourself that you are attractive? It’s so easy to think, “nobody likes me”. It’s so easy to feel lonely. I just wish I could be independent and feel good about myself again.

Sorry if this blog post is a little less coherent and a bit more rambling than usual. I tried to not impede the flow of my thoughts and just wrote down whatever I was thinking.

End of term reflections about guys is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

My bike is not a trashcan

I woke up this morning to find that some kind person had wished me good morning by discarding their half-full cup of coffee into my bike basket. Less than ten feet away was a trashcan.

I took my laundry to the basement and reached for my bottle of detergent that I had left there a week ago to find it surprisingly empty. It had been half full when I last used it.

It’s amazing the kind of things people will do when no one is observing. Hey, I’m guilty too. I used to shoplift all kinds of things as a kid. I would wear a huge coat into the toystore and slip small figurines into my pocket. Sometimes I will throw my trash away into the bathroom trashcan if the bathroom is empty, even though we’re supposed to walk outside to the large dumpster.

To combat the declining socio-ethical fabric I’ve been observing in myself and around me, my friend and I began a Karma competition. Each day we have to fulfill a challenge. Two days ago we had to catch up with an old friend. Actually I ended up catching up with lots of old friends who have graduated and from high school about careers, post-graduate plans, girlfriends, Bolivia… Yesterday we had to compliment a stranger – I told someone I really liked the colorful buttons on her coat – she had replaced the boring grey ones that fell off with funky patterns. Today I have to do something nice for someone without them knowing it. I am quite stuck on this…

mood: 4 fell asleep during the critical moment in physics class when they take attendance with the clickers, slept through most of my classes, didn’t do well on physics exam

physical tiredness: stupidly stayed up until 4am during work unproductively with a classmate because I thought he was cute. Then woke up at 8 to go to class. Now I’m on my way to the library to reread everything that I read last night.

Spiritual tiredness: 3

Karma Points: What is our world devolving to? is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal

The problem is that I have become a habitual multi-tasker. Most people would think that is great, but I want to break that illusion and convince you to give up your multi-tasking! The reason I could get away with multi-tasking is because I was always content with just “enough to get by”. I did whatever it took to get an A in the class, or a 1600 on the SAT, but I never really cared about the quality of my time investment. In college too, I still can manage to write my essays at the lat minute because all I really care about is the 4.0 on my GPA.

When you multi-task, you do all those tasks half-heartedly. I remember getting angry with my boyfriend for typing on AIM while talking to me on the phone. I wanted his whole attention, and I gave him mine. It’s funny how much more importance I attributed to my boyfriend than my own life. Just like driving while multi-tasking is unsafe, steering your life while multi-tasking is dangerous! There should be a traffic sign on the multi-tasking street that says: Warning! Vapid, yet mediocre enough to get by, life ahead! Avoid at all costs!

I find that when I devote all my attention to one task, I gain so much more productivity and happiness. I know that I am deliberately choosing to do that task, rather than having it be one on my list of many chores. Now, I can’t even write a blog while listening to music. No matter how small the task, devote yourself fully to it. I used to eat meals while doing homework. Now I can’t do that. No matter how busy I am, I have to make room for the 30 minutes it takes me to eat, sit down at the dining table with my classmates, and socialize about nothing related to my homework. Even wasting time, I have to do it deliberately, fully, and execute it well. People multi-task to save time, but I think you will find the opposite to be true.

Try giving up multi-tasking for one day, and let me know how it goes!

Mood: 5 exercised – too much work – chorus rehearsals – i’m a loser for skipping all my classes today – My Crush doesn’t like me

Physical tiredness: 7 even though its 3 am in the morning… hello insomnia. good thing is I have lots of work

Spiritual tiredness: 5 too stressed out to think about long term stuff

Giving up Multi-tasking is a post from: The Trouble With Crystal