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Next. My middle finger automatically presses the page down key.

Next. Glance at each slide, condescending to give up the two seconds required to absorb the bullet points.

Next. When will teachers ever learn that if you post the lecture slides, no one will ever bother to come to lecture?

Next. Check the time in the corner of the screen. 8:22.

Eight minutes to brush my teeth and bike across campus. Where is it again? The syllabus is downloading, why won’t it go faster? Whatever. I don’t need good breath to take a final.

Page down. “Course attendance.” Screw that.

Page down. Got it! “Final exam information.”

Release the mouse over the red x button. Three words under “Grading Policy” catch my eye: “Weekly problem sets: 40%”. The pdf disappears.

Did I read that right? Dig through the downloads folder. Damn it, I downloaded too much crap. I can feel my heartbeat in my temples. Page down. Page down. Page down!

Weekly problem sets: 40%

No late assignments.

Shit. The TA’s are probably passing out exams now. Slip on some flip-flops and run out to my bike. It’s raining? Figures. No time to run in and get a jacket.

I hate this hill, and my bike’s too cheap to have functional gears.

“Done with your exam? Turn it in here.” She’s a red head. Probably the head TA. I guess I would know if I ever went to lecture or section.

“Um… Excuse me? I haven’t done any of the problem sets. What will happen to my grade?”

“You haven’t done a single one?”

“No.”

“Well…” She pauses. Nitpicky questions about the final, she was prepared to answer. Obviously she wasn’t expecting this concern. “I suppose your grade will be calculated with a 0 for 40% of the class.”

“So assuming I get perfect on all exams, the highest I can get is still an F?”

“Pretty much, yes. Why hadn’t you done the homework.”

“I didn’t know there was homework.”

“We reminded you in lecture.”

“I didn’t go to lecture.”

Running to the registrar. I hope they will let me drop the class. Why did I not take my bike? I’ll have to take another class to fulfill that citizenship requirement. The rain splatters my leg with each step. I step in a huge puddle. Splash.

——–

I’m sweating.

Thank God. It was just a nightmare. I’m not enrolled in any classes that I didn’t know about. I’ve done all the homework for all my classes. I won’t get an F on my transcript. I relax and breathe deeply. Today is Monday. The sky is dark, I must have slept all day.

Holy shit, what time is it?  My essay was due two hours ago.

———

My pillow is drenched. What day is it? Sunday morning, more than 24 hours before the deadline. I have this nightmare every quarter. Reality never tasted so sweet.

———

Dear Crystal,

We were surprised to see that you did not take the Econ final exam along with your 9am classmates last Wednesday morning; We could not find any communications in which you informed us about an illness or other reason why you would request the opportunity to take the exam a day later along with the 10am students.   Throughout the quarter, we reminded our Econ students that they were required to take exams corresponding to the course in which they are registered. We noticed earlier in the quarter that you were choosing not to participate at 9am lectures using the Student Response System, but this comprised only a very small portion of your grade.  Showing up at the wrong final exam is a more serious concern:  many of your classmates probably would have appreciated an extra day of study time, and indeed on the front page of the 9am (Wednesday) exam, students were asked to affirm that they would not “discuss the contents of this exam with anyone who will be taking the other Econ 1A exam tomorrow morning.”
—

Econ Grade: Incomplete

Maybe I would’ve preferred the dream.

I don’t want to be tired all the time.

I don’t want to be constantly catching up.

I don’t want to always make excuses to other people.

I  don’t want to be me.

I took a nap today, setting the alarm for thirty minutes before my 4:00 meeting. I reached for my phone, assuming I had plenty of time since I hadn’t heard my alarm yet. Fuck. A digital 4:10 and the image of my supervisor stared me down, yelling at me for being late again, asking me what was wrong with my life.

I wish I could say this were an isolated incident, but it’s not. It’s a lifestyle. Last minute emails to my adviser, explaining why I hadn’t finished my thesis draft yet. Flaking on my friends because I had double-booked myself. Canceling appointments, relying on the fact that I was still ‘too sick’ recovering from swine flu.

There are many reasons why I haven’t written anything in two months on my blog. One of them is that I didn’t feel like I needed it. Things were going well in my life, for an extended period of time. I was a senior, I was socializing with friends, I was acing all of my classes. Then I realized that this feeling of being on top of things was just an unstable equilibrium, and any small series of events, like having someone with a panic attack tell me yell at me, like my car breaking down, or like having swine flu and missing a week of classes, will tip me over the edge. And I don’t want to be that person anymore.

It ends today. (Or at least I will try). Even if I only reach that unstable equilibrium again, I just need to climb out of this rut.

No more..

• complaining about my life
• staying up late to get ahead in work
• taking naps during the day
• missing my alarms (set multiple alarms)
• bumming around and feeling guilty about it
• feeling bad for myself

Preparing for a test requires much more than just studying. A lot of overachievers, myself included, tend to excuse ourselves from self-care when cortisol levels are high and time is in short supply. It’s like I can somehow only manage to prioritize one thing at a time in my mind, and right now the test comes first; all other activities detract from time that could be better spent studying. However, healthy habits such as sleep and diet are important, and especially more so during times of high stress.

In six days, I have to take the (so far) most important exam in my life at 8:00 in the morning. With a total length of over five hours, oft remarked to test endurance more than ability, the MCAT,  needless to say, does not spare lightly those who enter even remotely tired. After two weeks of religious studying, I’ve gotten to the point where I miss questions not due to unfamiliarity with the material, but due to sloppiness. Fixing my sleep schedule will probably gain me more points than any amount of studying can now. Considering people tend to be more alert a few hours after waking, I must wake up at 6am to maximize my 8am focus. Easy, right?

I wish.

I am a recurrent insomniac, especially during times of high stress. I feel most comfortable during the hours between 1 and 3 am. My regular bedtime is 4 am, and I wake up after lunch. Two nights ago I couldn’t sleep until 6am, and woke up at 4pm. I’ve slowly whittled down my bedtime and pushed up my alarm; last night I slept from 2 to 8 am, forcing myself to wake up despite feeling completely useless all day. However, I still have a long way to go until I train my body to function in the morning.

I also barely eat. Well, to begin with, I never really had good eating habits. I definitely did not consume a balanced, nutritious diet. I can be health-food conscious, in fact, was so for a few months when I tried vegetarianism, but to do so requires, well, a level of consciousness that does not come naturally. Every morning I drive to Starbucks and order a cup of coffee, which keeps me going until I almost pass out around dinner time, which is when I’ve realized that all I’ve had all day is a coffee.  I also snack. A lot. Combine all my eating faults, and the result is that I end up relying on late night snacking as a means of sustenance.

This isn’t the first time I’ve done this. We have all seen those students who are so stressed that they forgo meals to make time for school. I used to skip lunch all the time in high school so that I could finish the homework due in my afternoon classes, and simply buy a bag of chips from the vending machine. But now, I end up studying less than if I had been eating because I just don’t have the energy to continue, almost passing out by the end of the day. I guess I’m not so young anymore, huh.

I also used to exercise regularly. Every day while studying in Oxford I would start off by running to give me energy for the rest of the day. Now I’ve replaced my morning jog with expresso. I don’t have time to run – I rationalize. Instead, I have time to waste four hours lying in bed every night wishing that I could fall asleep. Exercise would have helped me gain energy, eat right, sleep better, and just improve mood in general, all not only conducive but downright necessary for effective studying.

So if I could go back in time and talk to myself before any moment of high stress, I would advice myself to:

• Establish a regular and sufficient sleep schedule. Wake up before lunch one day and you’ll realize that the amount of time in your day to study has vastly expanded. If you are getting ready for a specific test, practice waking up every day in time to get your body used to functioning at peak efficiency during test hours. Start early, as in, not one week before your test like I did.
• Eat right! Get enough nutrients, you don’t want to look like a walking ghost. Take vitamins if you have to. Remember to eat regularly.
• Exercise, at least a little bit in the morning every day to pump yourself up.
• Surround yourself by people who care about you. It makes things much easier, because they will remind you when you forget to take care of yourself. I’ve told my friends about my sleep problem and they will call me in the morning to make sure I’m up. My mom will force me to eat, even when I protest that I’m not hungry.
• Read the news. It’s easy to become self-absorbed when we have a big thing coming up. I mean, how can anyone think about anything else other than your test? Take a reality pill, and realize that there are more important things in the world than you and your test. Keeping up with what’s going on with the rest of the world will help to keep things in perspective and at least make you feel a bit less anti-social as you hole yourself up in your room/library cell.

The next few seem.. well… obvious, but I’ve forgone them before in extreme stress situations, so I might as well mention them.

• Shower. You’ll feel better, trust me. At least do it for consideration of your family/dorm mates.
• Get dressed, nicely if possible. No, don’t bring out that ball gown, but don’t spend all day in your pajamas. I used to think that I could shave off precious time if I never had to change clothes. However, I find that I have more confidence when I feel like I look better. In fact, I usually go to all my exams at least a little more neat looking than my usual self. Why not study this way too?
• Get out of the room! Are you really going to get that much done in the time it takes you to drive/bike/walk to the library/coffee shop?
• Be nice to others. Sometimes people will ask me for a favor and I will immediately reply, sorry I don’t have time, I’m studying. Taking a little bit out of your day to help someone else can actually do you a lot of good. You deserve the occasional break, and the fuzzy feeling you get can get you to focus better.

I generally hate when people say, “Take care”, especially in emails, because it is tossed around as a polite way-out by those who don’t actually care. But I don’t mind telling myself and others who need to hear it every once in a while.

Take care,

Crystal

I try really hard to not be neurotic, but everything tends towards the state of lowest energy.

I pretend to not care about my grades. I pretend that I know there are more important things in life than the three digits of my GPA. But that’s only because I know I will be fine. It’s like the rich man claiming to not care about money.

I’m freaking out about taking the MCATs. I have to test in less than a month, and I really don’t know anything about chemistry. I also can’t motivate myself to study – after only studying for a few hours a day I stop and make excuses for myself about how I can’t possibly absorb anything more. And then I start to think about how if I don’t do well on this test, I will not get into a good school – scratch that – I will not getting into my top choice school. How if I don’t get a high score on the science section, the admissions panel will take one look at my Bachelor of Arts degree and recommend that I try across the street at their law school.

When was the last time I took a standardized test anyway – four years ago with the SAT? And remember how silly you thought it all was after the fact? Stop worrying…

And it is 4:35 am and I can’t sleep, which means that my stress-induced insomnia has returned yet again.

If you haven’t checked it out yet, a piece I wrote was featured in American Goulash, a blog about growing up in a cross-cultural environment.

Also please reply to my poll in the feedback page to let me know what you would like to see more of!

Full moon overlooks Jericho neighborhood

solitary midnight biker

Hotel worker in kilt uniform gets off work and greets his friend on bike

last bus of the night takes midnight commuters home

Street lamps light up a panel of ghost houses

homeless man uses store light to read

Kabob vans serve hungry late night customers until 3 am

a girl, a mailbox, and a sign post

It is 12AM. After only sleeping three hours, a two hour rowing practice, and a formal dinner, I thought that I would go home and zonk out around 9pm. That’s what my body was telling me to do anyways. Three wasted hours of laying in bed later, I am still awake.

I retract any hypotheses I made earlier as to the cause of my current bout of insomnia. I know now that the inexplicable stress, stomach queasiness mistaken for hunger, muscle tension, can all be explained by one reason:

Subconsciously, I didn’t want to sleep because I was scared of having the same nightmare again.

A week ago, my most recent ex-boyfriend appeared in my dreams. In my dream, he had a new girlfriend, who I not only met but had to become friends with. She constantly asked me if I was ok with their relationship. She was white, which brushed some of my social insecurities and innate feelings of inferiority when interacting with that racial group. That night was when my sleeping problems started. I went from sleeping at 10 and waking up at 6 to sleeping at 3 and waking up at 12. Last night I dreamed about him again.

I thought I was over him. I hadn’t given him the slightest thought for months. Why is he coming back to bother me now? I can’t afford to have this continue so early in the term. Does anyone have good suggestions? I’m going to try sleeping to music so I can think about other things.

6:56 AM England

I once heard someone describe jet lag as a blank slate, a new chance for your to set your sleeping schedule to what you want it to be. When I first arrived in England, I was going to bed at 10 and waking up at 6 every day. I figured, great! I don’t even need to deal with jet lag, I can just maintain this schedule.

When I go home from college, I often wake up after lunch time, sometimes even closer to dinner time, and stay out with friends until the early hours of the morning (around 7 am). My mom would tell me that I was not really an American because my natural schedule seemed to be consistent with China. That seemed perfect, considering I wanted to work in Asia after graduation.

Yet, it seems that no matter how often I switch time zones, whether I am in the US, China, or England, I will always be a night owl. I woke up today at 3pm, and still have not been able to sleep. I have the first rowing practice of the season at 12:30 followed by formal dinner, and the pressure of getting enough rest is making it even harder to sleep. Although insomnia is not new to me, it usually only happens around finals and comes with stress. Right now, I’m not experiencing much academic stress, but rather am experiencing a new kind of stress; a stress that comes with feeling uncertain and socially excluded.

The night hunger comes right when I think I might be able to ignore it if I fall asleep; a few hours of lying in bed with my stomach growling and keeping me awake until I finally give in and cook some soup. I also think that I am developing a tolerance for sleeping pills. I took a sleep aid, which I believe just has melatonin, around midnight, and did feel extremely tired. However I still could not fall asleep. Now I just have the queasy side effects but without the benefits of sleep.

Now my muscles are randomly spazzing. I think I might have no other choice than to stay up all day, go to my rowing practice, go to formal dinner, and pray that I have enough energy to make it through the day.

3/3/3

Happy April Fools! I’m not getting breast enhancements, although, I could use some larger breasts…

Just kidding! I want you to know that I am perfectly happy with the size and shape of my breasts. I’m not only perfectly happy, but rather fond of them too. But that can be saved for another discussion…

There is one other lie though, and that is the time stamp on all of these posts. I’m actually sitting here, freezing, at 5am April 1st in the dorm hallway because (can you believe it?) I can’t fall asleep even though I am super tired and have work at 8:30 in the morning. I’m leaving for China and my internet connection will be iffy; I don’t want to keep my eager readers hanging, so I scheduled a post for each day I will be gone. Please leave comments and I promise to respond to them when I get back and also write about my China adventures. In the meantime, sit back, relax, and enjoy the lineup that I have so stuporly crafted for you in my insomniac clarity.

Fmylife.com is a must in any procrastination toolkit. Usually I just laugh at how stupid most people are and click on You Deserved It (because they usually do). Unless it really does fuck up their life for real, in which case… its kinda funny that the first thing they think to do is to post it on fmylife.

But today when I was browsing (and trying to make productive use of my insomnia), I stumbled across this post:

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of asians trying to take a picture. Trying to be a diplomat, I slowly say “You… want me… take picture?” while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says “No thanks asshole. I got it.” in plain english. FML

Of course, everyone knows the obvious initial response. The fact that it is 69k to 3k YDI to Yeah that sucks! is evidence enough of the outrage this has caused, not to mention reading the biting comments.

I’m here today to write a defense of Daftly Racist. Yes, we all know that what Daftly did was pure prejudice, rudeness, and idiocy. It’s the kind of thing that we don’t tolerate among our self-respecting, morally superior, unprejudiced folk. Thank god we never have to be judged by millions of internet procrastinators. We can guilt-free click the “You Deserved It” button and smirk at our purer moral composition. Because amongst our class, prejudice doesn’t exist and we operate in a judgment free world.

Isn’t it funny how we are taught to not judge, but those same teachers repeat the maxim that “first impressions are everything”? We can never free ourselves from our judgments (see this post for a fuller explanation). Isn’t it better to acknowledge those prejudices and do our best to mitigate them, rather than brush them aside and claim to have conquered them? How can we combat the enemy within ourselves and others if we don’t force it to the border of our inner psyches?

Daftly’s courage in posting is aptly refreshing. In a society where to exhibit the slightest bit of prejudice is cause to raise noses (and ironically, form judgments), to have the balls to admit fallacy in prejudice should be applauded, not condemned.

4/2/3 Insomnia mostly, but still proud that I can voice a semi-cogent argument at 6 in the morning.

Have you ever had those moments when you know that you did something wrong, you feel like a terrible person, and there is nothing you can do to make up for what you did?

Over spring break, all the students who are studying abroad next quarter had to move out by the beginning of break. I am staying in my friend’s room while she and her roommate are away on break. Another friend needed a place to stay for a night, and since there was a vacant bed next to mine, I let her stay there.

Now, I know this is where red flags should be going off and my brain (or my conscience) should be telling me: Crystal…

1)   You don’t know her roommate very well

2)   Her roommate doesn’t know your friend at all

3)   Why didn’t you just ask beforehand, you obviously have no respect for other people’s personal space. Just because you don’t have a sense of personal boundaries doesn’t mean everyone else has the same standards as you.

To make matters worse, I am an extremely messy and disorganized person. Thinking that I was the only person to occupy that room until school starts, I just lived there as if it were my own room, planning to clean up before anyone came back. I know that I wasn’t very organized about keeping my clothes properly stored in my suitcase, and I probably just threw my towels on the ground (mostly on my friend’s side of the room but its possible that some of my mess spilled over onto the other half of the floor).

I stayed off campus for two nights, and when I returned at 7:30 this morning, I was surprised to see that all my stuff had been randomly thrown onto my friend’s half of the room, including my other friend’s comforter that she had left on the bed and I had no idea who it belonged to.  Although the roommate was not there, I could tell that she was pissed by the way she returned my belongings to me. I wrote her an apologetic email acknowledging that what I did was stupid and disrespectful; she writes me back a passive aggressive email listing grievances including dirty towels on her stuff, food on her desk, and someone having slept in her newly washed sheets. She ends with asking when I am moving out.

Ok so maybe I am a coward. So maybe the only reason I care about this is the dread of having to go back to that room. I’m already chickening out; I decided to move out tonight, at least I won’t have to spend an awkward night with the roommate. If I never had to see her again, I know I would tell myself, “Crystal, you did all that you could have done. It’s ok if she doesn’t forgive you. Just remember next time so you don’t piss someone else off.” But I know that I need to go back and apologize in person. Even if she is really pissed off at me. Even if she doesn’t forgive me.

In the end, I’m a bit thankful that this happened. I need to learn to grow up, to be less self-absorbed. I made my mistake because I was not considerate of other people’s feelings. Can you believe that I am already 20 years old, and this is the first time that I’ve had to seriously apologize to someone that I don’t know very well? Realizing that you’ve still got a lot of growing up to do is not easy.

Here’s the plan: I’m going to buy her a plant (her room is full of plants that I had been watering while she was away). If she doesn’t want it, I’ll tell her to just give it to her roommate. I’ll buy a card too explaining how terrible I feel, and if she’s not there when I go back tonight to move out I’ll just leave it on her desk. If she is there I’ll talk to her about it. I hope that’s not too cowardly…

3/5/4