One of my biggest weaknesses is not knowing when to let something go.

How do you recognize that you’re treading down a dead-end path?

How do you stop lamenting how much time you’ve wasted and realize how much more time you will waste if you continue?

How do you decide to fold when you’ve already put so many chips in the pile?

How do you find the humility to admit to yourself that you made the wrong initial decision and find the courage to turn around?

How do you stop and tell yourself, I’m not happy. And change?

These are all questions I struggle with in every aspect of my life, but especially relationships and academics. I’ll leave relationships to another day, because, as I left class after falling asleep during the entire lecture for the second consecutive time, the question burning in my head was: Should I drop my “Smallpox” class?

I came to Oxford with three goals: meet people, join clubs, do well in class. Well, I think I’ve pretty much succeeded in joining too many clubs and taking on too many classes. Ever since I came to Oxford, I have been sleeping about two hours a night or pulling all-nighters consecutively. Not only has this shown in the quality of my work, but now all of that sleep deprivation has taken a toll on my immune system. I cannot continue this lifestyle, and know that I have to drop something. The first thing that comes to mind is my “Smallpox” class.

When I first met the prof, he made his class so so exciting. He brought in his stuffed animal viruses and told us about all the neat field trips we would go on. What clinched the deal was how his complete support for his students showed in the way he talked about his former students. As an aspiring infectious disease specialist, his expertise was right up my alley, and I hoped to be able to develop a relationship with him. What better setting to do that than in a foreign country where we have to spend eight weeks together?

It took me two weeks to realize that I was not getting that much out of the class. Lots of busy work, weekly time consuming field trips, classes at 9am, (on a related note) constantly falling asleep during lecture, and uninteresting content. The biggest concern holding me back is the lamentation that it took me song long to realize this. I have already done so much of that busy work for the class, attended so many lectures and field trips, and (if I decide to drop,) will have nothing to show for it.

But what do I get out of the class? Another “A” on my transcript? Other students are taking it to fulfill major or general requirements, but I don’t need it for that either. A faculty resource? I’m sure I can find other opportunities. The time I would free up could probably be better used on my other classes or sleeping, and to improve my work with the faculty who actually matter (i.e. who will be writing my med school rec).

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not lazy, and it’s not that I prioritize my extra-curriculars above academics. But if I really loved the class then I think I would find a way to make it all fit.

Wow. That was really helpful. I approached this blank wordpress space torn between two options, and after carefully thinking and recording my thought process, it seems clear what my option should be.

5/3/3 Feel relieved to have finally come to a decision, hopefully can sleep now (insomnia again, that’s why I woke up to write this post), but very very tired after little sleep and a swim test today.

Update: After that cathartic moment, I realized that the deadline to drop classes was May 4th, four days ago. I guess I’m stuck.