This is what my academic life consists of:

• Smallpox class: taught by a Stanford prof for the other Stanford students studying at Oxford.
• Immunology tutorial: One hour a week of one on one learning; weekly 8-9 (really 11-12) page essays
• Econometrics tutorial: Also one on one, two hours a week, problem sets

For anyone who read a recent blog post, you’ll know my feelings towards smallpox. Stuck in a class that I don’t want to be in, I recently discovered that I’m not even allowed to take the class pass/fail. Now, I just locked myself into doing loads of not-too-useful busywork and going on bi-weekly uninteresting field trips.  When I am able to make it to class, I usually fall asleep because I have been spending the entire night writing my essay. Yesterday, I didn’t even wake up from my 10 minute “nap” that I had planned to take between finishing my essay and going to class.

Despite my misgivings, at least I know that if I do the work, I will get the grade. What frustrates me more is my tutorials. Initially, I thought that this was a great system. One on one teaching tailored to my interests and debating the points brought up in my essay. What ends up happening is I spend endless hours summarizing information to produce a “textbook-chapter-like” essay, requiring no analytical skills except for trying to synthesize a bunch of information into 8 pages (which I always go over and write 12). Then I get a bad grade on it because I’ve not included certain details (or not included the teacher’s favorite molecule). I cannot stand the unpredictability and the mono-voice.

Then there is my econometrics tutorial. The instructor thinks I’m a complete idiot because I can never answer his questions. But it’s not that I don’t know the answers, it’s that I don’t know what his question is. For example, today he asked me “what is this best way of looking at [a certain equation]?” and I wanted to say “with my eyes”. When I say I don’t know, he’ll state something completely obvious and then remark that I haven’t been doing the reading.

You know what I miss about my Stanford education? I miss when not knowing an answer and not being made to feel like an idiot. I miss having more than one voice in the classroom so that the instructor does not dominate. I miss actually trying to write a good essay rather than a passing one. I miss sleep.

Speaking of sleep… since I haven’t slept in two nights…