Have you ever had those moments when you know that you did something wrong, you feel like a terrible person, and there is nothing you can do to make up for what you did?

Over spring break, all the students who are studying abroad next quarter had to move out by the beginning of break. I am staying in my friend’s room while she and her roommate are away on break. Another friend needed a place to stay for a night, and since there was a vacant bed next to mine, I let her stay there.

Now, I know this is where red flags should be going off and my brain (or my conscience) should be telling me: Crystal…

1)   You don’t know her roommate very well

2)   Her roommate doesn’t know your friend at all

3)   Why didn’t you just ask beforehand, you obviously have no respect for other people’s personal space. Just because you don’t have a sense of personal boundaries doesn’t mean everyone else has the same standards as you.

To make matters worse, I am an extremely messy and disorganized person. Thinking that I was the only person to occupy that room until school starts, I just lived there as if it were my own room, planning to clean up before anyone came back. I know that I wasn’t very organized about keeping my clothes properly stored in my suitcase, and I probably just threw my towels on the ground (mostly on my friend’s side of the room but its possible that some of my mess spilled over onto the other half of the floor).

I stayed off campus for two nights, and when I returned at 7:30 this morning, I was surprised to see that all my stuff had been randomly thrown onto my friend’s half of the room, including my other friend’s comforter that she had left on the bed and I had no idea who it belonged to.  Although the roommate was not there, I could tell that she was pissed by the way she returned my belongings to me. I wrote her an apologetic email acknowledging that what I did was stupid and disrespectful; she writes me back a passive aggressive email listing grievances including dirty towels on her stuff, food on her desk, and someone having slept in her newly washed sheets. She ends with asking when I am moving out.

Ok so maybe I am a coward. So maybe the only reason I care about this is the dread of having to go back to that room. I’m already chickening out; I decided to move out tonight, at least I won’t have to spend an awkward night with the roommate. If I never had to see her again, I know I would tell myself, “Crystal, you did all that you could have done. It’s ok if she doesn’t forgive you. Just remember next time so you don’t piss someone else off.” But I know that I need to go back and apologize in person. Even if she is really pissed off at me. Even if she doesn’t forgive me.

In the end, I’m a bit thankful that this happened. I need to learn to grow up, to be less self-absorbed. I made my mistake because I was not considerate of other people’s feelings. Can you believe that I am already 20 years old, and this is the first time that I’ve had to seriously apologize to someone that I don’t know very well? Realizing that you’ve still got a lot of growing up to do is not easy.

Here’s the plan: I’m going to buy her a plant (her room is full of plants that I had been watering while she was away). If she doesn’t want it, I’ll tell her to just give it to her roommate. I’ll buy a card too explaining how terrible I feel, and if she’s not there when I go back tonight to move out I’ll just leave it on her desk. If she is there I’ll talk to her about it. I hope that’s not too cowardly…

3/5/4