Full of confidence, out-going, extraverted, loud, attention whore…

It doesn’t matter what label you choose nor what connotation you assign it. I enjoy putting myself in the public eye, exposing uncensored my strengths and vulnerabilities for others to learn from, laugh at, or judge, without any concern how others perceive me. This unshakeable trait of mine results in two possible portraits:

Assertive, not afraid to put herself out there. She knows what she wants and gets it done. Other girls should learn from her. She…

• Straight-up tells guys that she likes them, asks guys on dates if she wants to go out, no tolerance for wishy washy guessing games or sad pathetic nights alone whining about how no one likes her.
• Volunteers on the spot for talent shows to perform lame hip-hop routines
• Sings the loudest in karaoke and dances when everyone else is still
• Sings in the bathroom stall and continues singing even when other people walk in
• Lets others make fun of her and likes it
• Tells embarrassing childhood stories voluntarily
• Loves to take social risks, because to her, there are no costs. Her aura is a selective membrane, letting through rewards but impermeable to negative social impacts.

On the other hand, she …

• Can be the most embarrassing girl to take on a dinner date. She will talk loudly, snort when she laughs, has the worst table manners, and most likely drop a plate or two. Everyone in the restaurant will stare at you two, then make snide comments to their companions about the degrading etiquette of young society, and probably also internally make a judgment about Asians.
• Farts, burps, and all manners of unpleasant bodily functions without hesitation
• Can come off as rather rude, because she doesn’t waste effort pretending to be cordial to people she could care less about. At the same time, she doesn’t give a rat’s ass if they do think she is rude. This results in her coming off as snobbish and cold.
• Will tell you the truth, even if you don’t want to hear it. If you ask for her opinion, be prepared to absorb a blow (just in case – she can give favorable opinions too, and frequently does!) This can result in her being seen as “mean”.
• On most days looks like a slob, and doesn’t care if you think she needs a shower.

Is Crystal really this self-absorbed force field against all social judgments?

What do onions and Crystal have in common?LAYERS! [Best joke in Shrek]

Of course she isn’t. Everyone cares about how they are perceived by others. In fact, that is probably the most important criteria for happiness. How do we balance this need for social acceptance with self-reliant happiness?

I think it is all has to do with the struggle to be independent. Although at a superficial level, it seems like I do not care about anybody’s opinion, I actually care much more than most people. I allow my happiness to depend so much on one person (usually my boyfriend). It killed me after I broke up with my last boyfriend that he was the one to stop liking me. The acceptance of others was so important to me that I could not accept myself. Perhaps how much you care about others’ opinions is a zero-sum game: you can only allocate a certain quantity of caring among certain people, and I just happened to distribute it completely to my boyfriend and zero to everyone else.

This is a trait that I am still trying to improve, and I think that this recent long stretch of being single has been healthy for me in that regard.  I am learning to like myself more without anyone’s validation. Like I said, social relationships are an act of balance – I just happen to put way more weight on one end than average.

Mood: 4 Stress + tests + concert rehearsals + going to fail because I suck at physics

Physical Tiredness: 3 Not enough sleep last night + stress induced insomnia

Spiritual Tiredness: 4 no time to think about it, must survive the week and make it to the weekend…