I can’t sleep so I just wanted to get some things off my mind that I forgot to say tonight (or thought about later).

I’ve always wanted to hack into the google headquarters and see what are the most common search terms. From looking at the statistics of my website, I can get somewhat of an idea. Hey, I do it too. In the privacy of my own room when no one is looking, I’ve searched for some pretty embarrassing terms. Like when I first started dating and googled, “how to be a good kisser”, or when I gave in to the media hype about the singer from hong kong and typed in, “Edison Chen sex scandal pictures”. If google were to publish a study about this, it would be an amazing snapshot of actual social attitudes that are publically repressed.

I’ve been following American Idol this season because I’ve recently been struck by Indian fever and have fallen in love with Anoop. Unforunately, he’s been voted off – but Adam Lambert has recently caught my attention. An extremely talented, confident, 27 year old from San Diego and favored to win the competition. But people are asking: can a gay idol win? I thought this quote from a NYT article (#7 on the most read rankings) was quite telling.

Unlike other reality shows, said Joe Jervis — a gay activist blogger whose recent mention of Adam Lambert on his site Joe My God generated 50,000 hits from people searching the term “Is Adam Lambert Gay?”

Yes. Before you even ask, I’ve typed that in as well. Pretty much verbatim too. Yeah – we all talk about how sexual orientation doesn’t matter, just like how we shouldn’t talk about people behind their backs, but in the end, people eat up scandal and gossip like vultures descending on prey. I can’t explain it nor can I say I like it; the only thing I can do is admit that I am guilty of it as well.  It would be an interesting experiment to see how many visitors find my site via that search term.

When I neglect my blog, that means one of three things:

1) I’m so happy that I either don’t have time to blog because I’m busy enjoying life, or I don’t need to blog to release my emotions

2) I’m so busy and stressed out academically that I don’t have time to write

3) I’m too depressed start writing

It’s been almost a week since my last entry, and as I reflect back on this past week I must say that it’s definitely not option number one. Blogging is just like any habit, once you miss out once, it’s easy to continue missing out, and every day missed brings down my self esteem. Every day, it was just so easy to spend that last hour of my day stressing instead of destressing. Over the weekend, I slept almost twelve hours every day (on Saturday I woke up at 4 in the afternoon) and canceled just about every commitment I had (dance practice, chorus performance, elderly center volunteering, squash game). It seems that I’ve entered a state of stress-induced paralyzation and lethargy.

Some of you may have seen my facebook and twitter status last night: FML FML FML FML FML. Today at four I had a twelve page essay due, for which I had only started writing last night. Halfway into the night, with twelve pages of bullshit and hours of reading left to go, I could not manage to focus my attention on my work and kept watching Taylor Swift videos on youtube. I was also craving chocolate cookies but could not gratify myself. It’s funny how despite the fact that I have less assignments this week, my stress level was higher. Even though I’ve dealt with writing papers of equal length every week, for some reason I couldn’t handle it last night. Looking back, I have absolutely no idea how I went from twelve blank pages to twelve pages of text, and I also have no idea where my 16 hours went. But in the end, no matter how far away from completing your work you think you are, work always gets completed.

As I crawled into bed tonight, with no intention of writing, my mind started to race – as it usually does when I try to sleep – and I could not fall asleep despite having only slept two hours last night. That’s when I decided that I should finally get out my laptop and write down what it is that is bothering me.

I have a friend who has feelings for me, but I don’t have feelings for him. It’s strange because theoretically he is just my kind of guy: smart in a specialized field (biomechanical engineer going to grad school next year), yet cares about receiving a liberal education (takes random classes like psychology), has similar interests (was in my Chinese history and literature classes), and knows how to have fun (is my dance partner in the dance competition). My friend (the green elf) even told me that he sounds perfect for me. But the laws of attraction cannot be explained, and I just am not attracted to him.

This is not a situation that is foreign to me. It’s actually pretty common for my guy friends to like me. My roommate says she can see why: because I’m pretty open and warm to others. Generally though, my friends are pretty far away and I can just let the situation smolder. Additionally, we were very good friends to begin with, so after the fact we can return to being good friends.

However, in this case I only met him at the beginning of the term and am living in the same building with him for the next five weeks. If I deliberately ignore him, a) it will be quite obvious and require significant effort on my part, and b) we won’t just go back to being friends – but will probably not continue to develop our young friendship.

I had the sense that he liked me since the beginning of the term. One night I had a nightmare in which I dated a tall Asian guy who looked remarkably similar to him; in the nightmare, I let myself agree to see the man, even though I didn’t like him and ended up feeling horribly trapped in a relationship I never wanted.

In my wakeful life, I’ve been pretending to play dumb to all his signals. However, I have a feeling that I can’t keep putting it off anymore. He is a pretty forward guy, and it wouldn’t surprise me to hear him confess his feelings for me soon. Today, I heard it through the grapevine that he has been confiding in our classmates about his frustrations over how I don’t respond to his signals. Our dance competition is this Saturday, and he proposed a celebratory dinner afterwards – somehow I feel like he is planning more than a celebration of our dancing.

Sigh:: so what is bothering me is – how do I let him know that I am not interested in him, without hurting his feelings and still keeping the possibility of developing our friendship? What should I do if he does confess his feelings for me?

This is what my academic life consists of:

• Smallpox class: taught by a Stanford prof for the other Stanford students studying at Oxford.
• Immunology tutorial: One hour a week of one on one learning; weekly 8-9 (really 11-12) page essays
• Econometrics tutorial: Also one on one, two hours a week, problem sets

For anyone who read a recent blog post, you’ll know my feelings towards smallpox. Stuck in a class that I don’t want to be in, I recently discovered that I’m not even allowed to take the class pass/fail. Now, I just locked myself into doing loads of not-too-useful busywork and going on bi-weekly uninteresting field trips.  When I am able to make it to class, I usually fall asleep because I have been spending the entire night writing my essay. Yesterday, I didn’t even wake up from my 10 minute “nap” that I had planned to take between finishing my essay and going to class.

Despite my misgivings, at least I know that if I do the work, I will get the grade. What frustrates me more is my tutorials. Initially, I thought that this was a great system. One on one teaching tailored to my interests and debating the points brought up in my essay. What ends up happening is I spend endless hours summarizing information to produce a “textbook-chapter-like” essay, requiring no analytical skills except for trying to synthesize a bunch of information into 8 pages (which I always go over and write 12). Then I get a bad grade on it because I’ve not included certain details (or not included the teacher’s favorite molecule). I cannot stand the unpredictability and the mono-voice.

Then there is my econometrics tutorial. The instructor thinks I’m a complete idiot because I can never answer his questions. But it’s not that I don’t know the answers, it’s that I don’t know what his question is. For example, today he asked me “what is this best way of looking at [a certain equation]?” and I wanted to say “with my eyes”. When I say I don’t know, he’ll state something completely obvious and then remark that I haven’t been doing the reading.

You know what I miss about my Stanford education? I miss when not knowing an answer and not being made to feel like an idiot. I miss having more than one voice in the classroom so that the instructor does not dominate. I miss actually trying to write a good essay rather than a passing one. I miss sleep.

Speaking of sleep… since I haven’t slept in two nights…

I really wish my life were a song. Since it’s not, I try to get as close to that as possible. Today I spent six consecutive hours singing; combined with the probably four hours total a day that I randomly sing to myself, that’s a good most of my day right there. My high school friends used to call me an iPod shuffle. Once I tried an experiment where I was not allowed to sing. Suffice it to say that my mood dropped significantly – I was gloomy and irritable.

A friend and I tried busking on the street today. Neither of us had ever done it before, so we figured why not? It was a lot of fun, and we hope to be able to keep doing it every week! Since I’m lying in bed and can’t sleep anyway, I’ll upload a video of us performing Alanis Morissette:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcSK5__oyPQ[/youtube]

Ironic

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USpQw87SNtA[/youtube]

Hands Clean

I just finished making this present for my mother and grandmother.

Sorry for those who can’t understand Chinese. The beginning is a poem about mothers, the song is called “Invisible Wings” by Angela Chang, and the end says “Mom, Grandma, you are my invisible wings” “Happy Mother’s Day!”

Let me know what you think

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxsxJcAiCYg[/youtube]

One of my biggest weaknesses is not knowing when to let something go.

How do you recognize that you’re treading down a dead-end path?

How do you stop lamenting how much time you’ve wasted and realize how much more time you will waste if you continue?

How do you decide to fold when you’ve already put so many chips in the pile?

How do you find the humility to admit to yourself that you made the wrong initial decision and find the courage to turn around?

How do you stop and tell yourself, I’m not happy. And change?

These are all questions I struggle with in every aspect of my life, but especially relationships and academics. I’ll leave relationships to another day, because, as I left class after falling asleep during the entire lecture for the second consecutive time, the question burning in my head was: Should I drop my “Smallpox” class?

I came to Oxford with three goals: meet people, join clubs, do well in class. Well, I think I’ve pretty much succeeded in joining too many clubs and taking on too many classes. Ever since I came to Oxford, I have been sleeping about two hours a night or pulling all-nighters consecutively. Not only has this shown in the quality of my work, but now all of that sleep deprivation has taken a toll on my immune system. I cannot continue this lifestyle, and know that I have to drop something. The first thing that comes to mind is my “Smallpox” class.

When I first met the prof, he made his class so so exciting. He brought in his stuffed animal viruses and told us about all the neat field trips we would go on. What clinched the deal was how his complete support for his students showed in the way he talked about his former students. As an aspiring infectious disease specialist, his expertise was right up my alley, and I hoped to be able to develop a relationship with him. What better setting to do that than in a foreign country where we have to spend eight weeks together?

It took me two weeks to realize that I was not getting that much out of the class. Lots of busy work, weekly time consuming field trips, classes at 9am, (on a related note) constantly falling asleep during lecture, and uninteresting content. The biggest concern holding me back is the lamentation that it took me song long to realize this. I have already done so much of that busy work for the class, attended so many lectures and field trips, and (if I decide to drop,) will have nothing to show for it.

But what do I get out of the class? Another “A” on my transcript? Other students are taking it to fulfill major or general requirements, but I don’t need it for that either. A faculty resource? I’m sure I can find other opportunities. The time I would free up could probably be better used on my other classes or sleeping, and to improve my work with the faculty who actually matter (i.e. who will be writing my med school rec).

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not lazy, and it’s not that I prioritize my extra-curriculars above academics. But if I really loved the class then I think I would find a way to make it all fit.

Wow. That was really helpful. I approached this blank wordpress space torn between two options, and after carefully thinking and recording my thought process, it seems clear what my option should be.

5/3/3 Feel relieved to have finally come to a decision, hopefully can sleep now (insomnia again, that’s why I woke up to write this post), but very very tired after little sleep and a swim test today.

Update: After that cathartic moment, I realized that the deadline to drop classes was May 4th, four days ago. I guess I’m stuck.

If you haven’t checked it out yet, a piece I wrote was featured in American Goulash, a blog about growing up in a cross-cultural environment.

Also please reply to my poll in the feedback page to let me know what you would like to see more of!

Full moon overlooks Jericho neighborhood

solitary midnight biker

Hotel worker in kilt uniform gets off work and greets his friend on bike

last bus of the night takes midnight commuters home

Street lamps light up a panel of ghost houses

homeless man uses store light to read

Kabob vans serve hungry late night customers until 3 am

a girl, a mailbox, and a sign post

I signed up to participate in a Mood Study conducted by a Stanford undergrad. Each week I get emailed an online survey to fill out. What would your answers look like? Here are mine:

1. How many hours did you spend on homework this week? 11-15
2. How many hours did you spend on extracurricular activities this week (including meetings and outside preparation)? 16-20
3. Did you have a midterm or a major paper due this week?   Yes
4. In the past week, how often have you laughed a lot? a few times
5. In the past week, how often have you cried a lot? a few times
6. How satisfied are you with your life as a whole? Dissatisfied
7. Compared to other people your age, how intelligent are you? slightly above average
8. How often was the following true in the past seven days? You were bothered by things that usually don’t bother you. sometimes
9. You could not shake off the blues, even with help from your family and your friends. Sometimes
10. You felt that you were just as good as other people. sometimes
11. You had trouble keeping your mind on what you were doing. a lot of the time
12. You were depressed. a lot of the time
13. You were too tired to do things.  most of the time or all of the time
14. You enjoyed life. Sometimes
15. You were sad. a lot of the time
16. You felt that people disliked you. a lot of the time
17. You never take things that don’t belong to you. Disagree
18. Do you agree or disagree that you have often said something bad about a friend behind his or her back? Agree
19. Do you agree or disagree that you never swear? Disagree
20. Do you agree or disagree that you go out of your way to avoid having to deal with problems in your life? Agree
21. Do you agree or disagree that when making a decision, you go with your “gut feeling” and don’t think about the consequences of each alternative? Agree
22. Do you agree or disagree that you have many good qualities? neither agree nor disagree
23. Do you agree or disagree that you have a lot to be proud of? neither agree nor disagree
24. Do you agree or disagree that you like yourself just the way you are? strongly disagree
25. Do you agree or disagree that you feel you are doing things just about right? strongly disagree
26. Do you agree or disagree that you like to take risks? neither agree nor disagree
27. Do you agree or disagree that you live your life without much thought for the future? neither agree nor disagree
28. Do you agree or disagree that it is important for you to fit into the group you’re with?   strongly agree
29. Do you agree or disagree that in social situations, you tend not to follow the crowd, but instead behave in a way that suits your mood at the time? Agree
30. Do you agree or disagree that your behavior often depends on how you think other people want you to behave? strongly agree

4/1/3 4 hours of sleep total over two days