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I love my white board. This blog is (almost) just like an electronic version of my white board. Ok, so I can’t draw organic chemistry molecules quite as easily, and people can’t pass by and doodle penises on it, but it’s pretty good at helping me to solve problems. I come to my white space with a puzzle, and start writing whatever is on my mind. By the end, no matter how roundabout, I’ve come (at least closer) to some sort of conclusion.

Many writers think that writing has to be about the end. Of course, we’ve all been trained to write that way in school, and for good reason. A professor would look dubiously on a thesis that presented its arguments haphazardly, and only reached a conclusion in the last paragraph. But not all writing is thesis writing. There is value in the thinking process. We all go through the thinking process, but we just don’t always record it for others to see.

I must admit that I have also fallen susceptible to focusing only on the ends. Sometimes when I write a post, I think and pre-write for a long time until I actually figure out what to say, then I delete everything write everything again in a logical and organized way. But I must remind myself of the purpose of this blogs. I’m not trying to convince anybody of anything. I’m trying to figure out my life for myself and share something of value to one or two people along the way.

Oh, I just caught myself doing it. Scrolling up to check if my previous paragraphs made sense. I pledge from now on in this entry to never use the scroll up button.

I guess this could be a metaphor for my life. I’m constantly trying to present myself as the final, mature, product, but the truth is that my life is like this empty wordpress space, still being filled and worked and reworked. I shouldn’t be embarassed or ashamed to make mistakes, appear immature, come off as less than perfect, because to do so is to assume something that I am not.

Take for example, a mentor, anybody – your boss, your professor, a professional in your aspiring field. I work with a doctor who just seems to be perfect; perfect job, perfect husband; perfect life. All I see is the perfect product, but how did she get from A to B? How do I get from me to her? It’s so intimidating, but if someone showed me the imperfections that occurred in her career then it wouldn’t be so bad. We work so hard to hide our imperfections – but we shouldn’t, because others can gain something valuable from them.

In fact, that is the whole premise of this blog. I know that I have a lot that I need to improve on. This blog was initiated because I made mistakes. I know that some people will judge me. I suspect that one day, the material will be used against me (job interview, med/grad school admission). But I’ve tried to be as open and sincere about everything because I believe that someone, somewhere, can learn from my experience.

Wow, this post started off as an entry about whiteboards, and ended up as a discussion of imperfection. Forgive me if my mind seemed to wander, because it did.

mood 6/ physical tiredness 5 /spiritual tiredness 4 -Pretty good mood today because I got a lot done and I started talking to my ex again. However, it is 3 am and I still don’t know what I’m going to do with my life, not to say, tomorrow.

I love you, white board. I love how blank you are at first, inviting me, almost challenging me, to deface it with a problem that you can’t solve. I love hearing the click when I remove the cap of the expo marker and stick it to the end. I love the feel of the dry-erase tip as I invest my entire body in sweeping motions to plant words and pictures on the board. Yes, I even love you enough to bear that signature smell of dry-erase.

I love switching colors! Writing new ideas in purple, pink, and teal! I love how when I am sidetracked, I can section part of you off for doodling. Before I know it, I have my entire masterpiece on a simple slab of whiteboard. Yes, you’ve done it once again; you’ve amazed me with your ability to turn any puzzle into clarity, to turn writer’s block into inspiration.

I love how I can hang you in the hallway, empty; and by the end of the week, you are full with new creations contributed by my neighbors. I love how I can hang you on my door, leaving you to deal with unwelcome guests by telling them, “I’m not here”; or how I can trust you to pass the message “Be right back!” to my friends. You’ve always been there for me in the middle of the night through the papers and the problem sets. You probably know more about organic chemistry and physics than I do.

I love how when I erase, I can still see ghosts of the remnants of my writing. I love how when I erase, I get to do that all over again.

How to make the best use of your whiteboard:

• Get one. duh
• Hang it in a convenient location. If you can’t see or reach it, you won’t use it.
• Invest in multiple colored markers. You can organize your thoughts, and at the least it makes your writing look prettier.
• Buy multiple whiteboards of varying sizes. Use one on your dorm door to leave messages for others, or let them leave messages for you. Use a large one to solve extensive problems (you can keep this in the closet and take it out on those nights before problem sets are due). Hang a medium size one on top of your desk to remind you about important deadlines, goals, or just to have a good quote to start your day.
• Most inventive use of a whiteboard I’ve ever seen? Someone living in my house lived on the first floor with a window next to the bike rack. Every morning when I went to unlock my bike, their whiteboard was propped against the window with a funny fact or quote.
• My whiteboard fantasy? To cover an entire room with whiteboard, even the floor and ceiling.

A nomad I will remain for life, in love with distant and uncharted places. 

Isabelle Eberhardt, Swiss writer/explorer

I’ve always been enchanted by nomads, a people so in tune with their identity that it is focused from within rather than tied down to any particular place.

Despite my childhood fascinations, I’ve learned through these past few days that I don’t think the nomad way of life is for me. I was stupid enough to book a ticket back to California three weeks before the start of school without arranging housing. I can’t move into my dorm until September 17, so I figured I would just let the tide sweep me wherever, and it would all work out in the end. Now, I’m in the midst of rotating between the goodwill of my friends and living out of my tiny carry-on suitcase until September 1st, when I move into the hallway of a pot-reeking house down the highway.  

I’m back on campus to work on my senior honors thesis. Originally I thought that the sooner I came back to campus, the sooner I could start working. But actually, the uncertainty of not settling down keeps nagging at me, preventing me from doing any real work. Instead, I sleep until past noon, when I finally wake up and walk to the computer lab to check my email. Somehow, a few hours pass and my hosts come back home to have dinner. Then a few more hours pass, and I don’t know how I’ve managed to occupy myself for an entire day before we’re all going to bed. Finally, after being unable to sleep for a few hours, I sneak downstairs to use the computer until late at night, and the cycle repeats itself. Of course I’m very appreciative for a place to stay, and I’m more than willing to follow all of these courtesies. However, it’s just not the same as having a place of your own.

All I want is a place to call Home: a place that I can be myself, where I can follow my own schedule; a place I can return to whenever I need; a place where I can leave my stuff and not live out of a tiny carry-on suitcase; predictability; emotional stability; peace.

How many times can one person endure being put down by another? What if the one putting you down is the same one you are in love with?

My boyfriend broke up with me over a year ago, but I still cling to his memory. Even though he always reminds me that there is no future for us, I still reach out to him.

The past few months have probably been too good to be true. I took a chance and dialed his number, but this time, instead of telling to move on, he actually called me back; and kept calling back. I can’t believe that eventually, he even liked me again, and invited me to visit him at school. We spent an amazing week together, waking up to lazy weekends, visiting the park, playing computer games – it didn’t really matter what we were doing, just that we were doing it together. When I was with him, I felt safe from all the forces of the outside world. When I was with him, I felt like no matter what happened to me, everything would be alright. He was my otter, he made me feel carefree.

When he told me that he wanted to come visit me, I started dreaming of apartments,  cars, and dogs that we would share together. I started thinking about whether I should buy or rent a car to pick him up from the airport, whether to book a hotel, how to have a perfect weekend. But I also wanted something more. I wanted to be loved in return.

But in the end, it’s always the same.

I opened myself up to him, and he didn’t want me.

It’s times like these that I wish I had kept a diary when I was younger. So that I could look back and remind myself why exactly it was that I wanted to be a doctor again. It’s funny how I’ve been so passionate about my motivations, and then the night before the day that I need it, I realize that I’ve taken it for granted for so long that I forgot what it was in the first place.

This is MCAT take II. Mission: complete the test. Yeah, I’ve dropped my bar pretty low, I mean, who can expect to get a high score when I couldn’t even finish the test the first try? It’s time for me to move on with my life, because I’ve let this one test occupy me for too long. I don’t need to go to a good med school, I just need to go to one.

After the whole exploding-egg-walking-out-on-MCAT fiasco, I wasn’t quite sure what to do next.

At first I felt ashamed of myself for not being able to finish the MCAT on the day that I registered for. My mom kept asking me to move the test date back so that I would have more time to prepare, but I kept telling her that I would be ready. Everybody called and emailed me beforehand wishing me good luck, and congratulated me afterwards- and I had to embarassedly explain that I never finished the test.

Now I realize that stepping out was not only the right decision but the brave one. All my life I have been trained to push myself harder no matter how extenuating the circumstances. Once in elementary school, I contracted severe poison ivy which swelled my entire face, but I still wanted to go to school. If I had indeed forced myself to finish the entire exam with a fever, my score would not have reflected my actual capabilities. Sometimes I just have to know when to step down.

I’ve registered for an exam on Friday, Aug 21 – in about a week. This time, it is a 2pm exam, so hopefully sleeping should not be a problem for me. I will also have a little bit more time to prepare, and should not feel as stressed. Hopefully the second time around should go smoothly, as long as I take care of myself and stay away from microwaved eggs.

5/5/3 Took a week break from MCAT studying, and about to go eat Primanti Brothers burgers for half off — yumm!

8:00 am Wednesday. 15 nervous yet eager aspiring doctors walk into the Prometric testing center on Old Lee Highway.

9:00 am. Already one of them walks out. She has had a nervous breakdown and canceled her test with only the first section completed.  After calling her mom to pick her up, she lies on the front lawn, crying and hating herself for being too weak.

What circumstances led the poor unfortunate girl to this state?

4:00 pm Monday. Happy with the 40 on her practice test, she feels ready-to-go and confident for the actual test. In a cheerful mood, she banters into the kitchen to find some study fuel and finds a warm hard-boiled egg in the microwave. She innocently raises the egg towards her mouth and bites down.

!!

The egg explodes in her face, burning her upper lip and right cheek. Her lip immediately swells until it looks like she had just gotten a collagen injection. Faced with this painful nuisance, she shrugs and continues to study. It’s just physical pain – no reason to let it affect the MCAT.

10:00 pm Tuesday. Like a good student, she prepares to go to bed, but a nagging headache is keeping her up. She tries listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack, but doesn’t fall asleep until past 2 am.

6:30 am Wednesday. She notices a new small blister on her scabbing lip; probably just another blister from the burn.

7:30 am. She binges on coffee and red bull to supplement her four hours of sleep.

8:00 am. The test starts. She reads the first passage. Didn’t understand that – move on to the questions. Reread the first passage, still don’t get it. Move on to the second passage. Repeat. and repeat again. She feels her body getting warmer and warmer, her head lighter and lighter. Time’s up, you have a ten minute break.

9:00 am. Excuse me, but how do I cancel my test score now?

9:30 am, in her mind. Crystal, you failed. All you had to do was get enough sleep last night. You prepared so hard for this. You let yourself and everyone down. You wasted 225$ and all your time.

10:00 am. The late-blooming blister from this morning has spread to three times its original size across her upper lip. We should probably go see a doctor.

2:00 pm, doctor’s office. You have a fever and your burn has incited a secondary viral infection.

And that, my friends, is what we call a series of unfortunate events.

Today, I walked out on my MCAT because two days ago, an exploding egg burned my lip, which initiated an infection, which caused a fever.  FML.

Apparently exploding eggs are quite common.

Crystal,

You’ve come this far. You’ve prepared as much as you can for this exam. And you are prepared, you know it. Just take a look at your practice test scores and you’ll know that the real one will be a piece of cake. The only thing you can do now is to get in the right mood.

This exam will not be difficult. You should not be scared of this exam. In fact, it’s the exam that should be scared of you. It’s just a challenge, like a video game obstacle course, and you there to knock down all the questions. Think of the baffled look on the question writers’ faces when you’ve completed their game.

No matter what, mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, your brothers, your friends, they will all be proud of you and will always be there to support you. Look at your hand – see that ring grandma gave you before she died? She is watching you from heaven and will always guide you.

I’m proud of you too. Because you know what? You are going to be a great doctor. If this exam can help get you there, then great. But it doesn’t matter if it can’t, because you are going to follow your dreams no matter what, and you are going to do the best that you can do. In the end, tomorrow is not everything, and good or bad, its mere completion is just one step closer to your future.

Love,

Self

Preparing for a test requires much more than just studying. A lot of overachievers, myself included, tend to excuse ourselves from self-care when cortisol levels are high and time is in short supply. It’s like I can somehow only manage to prioritize one thing at a time in my mind, and right now the test comes first; all other activities detract from time that could be better spent studying. However, healthy habits such as sleep and diet are important, and especially more so during times of high stress.

In six days, I have to take the (so far) most important exam in my life at 8:00 in the morning. With a total length of over five hours, oft remarked to test endurance more than ability, the MCAT,  needless to say, does not spare lightly those who enter even remotely tired. After two weeks of religious studying, I’ve gotten to the point where I miss questions not due to unfamiliarity with the material, but due to sloppiness. Fixing my sleep schedule will probably gain me more points than any amount of studying can now. Considering people tend to be more alert a few hours after waking, I must wake up at 6am to maximize my 8am focus. Easy, right?

I wish.

I am a recurrent insomniac, especially during times of high stress. I feel most comfortable during the hours between 1 and 3 am. My regular bedtime is 4 am, and I wake up after lunch. Two nights ago I couldn’t sleep until 6am, and woke up at 4pm. I’ve slowly whittled down my bedtime and pushed up my alarm; last night I slept from 2 to 8 am, forcing myself to wake up despite feeling completely useless all day. However, I still have a long way to go until I train my body to function in the morning.

I also barely eat. Well, to begin with, I never really had good eating habits. I definitely did not consume a balanced, nutritious diet. I can be health-food conscious, in fact, was so for a few months when I tried vegetarianism, but to do so requires, well, a level of consciousness that does not come naturally. Every morning I drive to Starbucks and order a cup of coffee, which keeps me going until I almost pass out around dinner time, which is when I’ve realized that all I’ve had all day is a coffee.  I also snack. A lot. Combine all my eating faults, and the result is that I end up relying on late night snacking as a means of sustenance.

This isn’t the first time I’ve done this. We have all seen those students who are so stressed that they forgo meals to make time for school. I used to skip lunch all the time in high school so that I could finish the homework due in my afternoon classes, and simply buy a bag of chips from the vending machine. But now, I end up studying less than if I had been eating because I just don’t have the energy to continue, almost passing out by the end of the day. I guess I’m not so young anymore, huh.

I also used to exercise regularly. Every day while studying in Oxford I would start off by running to give me energy for the rest of the day. Now I’ve replaced my morning jog with expresso. I don’t have time to run – I rationalize. Instead, I have time to waste four hours lying in bed every night wishing that I could fall asleep. Exercise would have helped me gain energy, eat right, sleep better, and just improve mood in general, all not only conducive but downright necessary for effective studying.

So if I could go back in time and talk to myself before any moment of high stress, I would advice myself to:

• Establish a regular and sufficient sleep schedule. Wake up before lunch one day and you’ll realize that the amount of time in your day to study has vastly expanded. If you are getting ready for a specific test, practice waking up every day in time to get your body used to functioning at peak efficiency during test hours. Start early, as in, not one week before your test like I did.
• Eat right! Get enough nutrients, you don’t want to look like a walking ghost. Take vitamins if you have to. Remember to eat regularly.
• Exercise, at least a little bit in the morning every day to pump yourself up.
• Surround yourself by people who care about you. It makes things much easier, because they will remind you when you forget to take care of yourself. I’ve told my friends about my sleep problem and they will call me in the morning to make sure I’m up. My mom will force me to eat, even when I protest that I’m not hungry.
• Read the news. It’s easy to become self-absorbed when we have a big thing coming up. I mean, how can anyone think about anything else other than your test? Take a reality pill, and realize that there are more important things in the world than you and your test. Keeping up with what’s going on with the rest of the world will help to keep things in perspective and at least make you feel a bit less anti-social as you hole yourself up in your room/library cell.

The next few seem.. well… obvious, but I’ve forgone them before in extreme stress situations, so I might as well mention them.

• Shower. You’ll feel better, trust me. At least do it for consideration of your family/dorm mates.
• Get dressed, nicely if possible. No, don’t bring out that ball gown, but don’t spend all day in your pajamas. I used to think that I could shave off precious time if I never had to change clothes. However, I find that I have more confidence when I feel like I look better. In fact, I usually go to all my exams at least a little more neat looking than my usual self. Why not study this way too?
• Get out of the room! Are you really going to get that much done in the time it takes you to drive/bike/walk to the library/coffee shop?
• Be nice to others. Sometimes people will ask me for a favor and I will immediately reply, sorry I don’t have time, I’m studying. Taking a little bit out of your day to help someone else can actually do you a lot of good. You deserve the occasional break, and the fuzzy feeling you get can get you to focus better.

I generally hate when people say, “Take care”, especially in emails, because it is tossed around as a polite way-out by those who don’t actually care. But I don’t mind telling myself and others who need to hear it every once in a while.

Take care,

Crystal

Dub. Dub. 

I’ve heard theories about mortality that limit the number of beats our hearts can handle in a lifetime.

Before I committed to taking this exam, my mother would nag me daily about wasting my day lounging in front of the TV, precious time that could be better spent studying. These days, the nagging is gone; in fact, she has even been acting unusually nice to me lately. Yet, my life swapped one nagger for another, and this one a hundred times more pernicious:

My self.

My body tells me to take it slow. My head grows dizzy after studying for hours straight on little sleep. Meanwhile, every beat of my heart throws on a new bout of guilt. While driving my brother to his doctor appointment I am calculating how many hours I’ve studied today and how many more hours are left in the day. My stomach suppresses my appetite such that I realize it’s 9PM and I’ve survived the whole day on coffee. 

But it’s affecting my performance. The more practice I do, the more questions I miss. The more questions I miss, the more frustrated I become, and the more questions I miss. 

So what if the test is in a week? I am officially declaring a break for the day. No more thinking about the MCAT. (OK, declaring a break as soon as I finish the practice book tomorrow morning, but then I promise I will really take a break).