My Dearest C__,

My friend Joe used to start all his emails to me this way; it always made my day.  You know, have you ever watched those old movies where the girls are wearing some old pretty dress and the guy is away on a business trip or at war, and the scene becomes all bronzed, and the girl is writing/guy is reading a letter and you can hear it aloud?   Haha, that’s how this feels like right now, like i can hear what im writing being read aloud to me.

I thought of another reason why i’m like scarlett – i feel like i’m isolated and hated by everyone except for a few people (for her, melly, rhett, her slave, her mother and father; for me, my few friends and you).  Haha, i don’t want you to get the wrong impression that i’m a loser with no friends though (even if there is some truth in that statement). Also, she’s rather cold hearted and doesn’t really care about anything unless it directly affects her or someone she care about.

I was talking about the sniper attacks with J__ (did you hear about them? probably not, californians dont have time to worry about the problems of little old virginia, maryland, and dc.)  the beginning on 9th grade (wow, so long ago yet i remember it so vividly), a bunch of people were getting shot just randomly in a series in the dc metro area.  people of all races, sexes, ages – the sniper killed indiscriminantly.  one woman was killed just ten minutes from my house.  for months ppl here were like little mice – trepid.  we were all scared to leave our houses, homecomings got canceled; i remember my homecoming date was almost forbidden to go by his parents but i had to cry and whine to him to convince his parents – afterall, there’s no way im going to hc by myself.  (i hate going to dances and events alone – as you not doubt can infer by my fear of sitting at the end of rows). A student even got shot, but he lived.  Despite the proximity, the close death of the student, i never felt like the sniper shots directly affected me.  i mean, i had to live with the canceled practices, the heightened security, and the busy buzz of the neighborhood, but i never felt like i or any of my friends were in direct threat.  I never even felt sad or anything, just annoyed that my volleyball practice was canceled because the dumb football players got to use the gym since they didnt want them outside.  i said that “maybe if someone from my school got shot, then i would feel more sad”

We then started talking about Sept 11, and i said that i didnt really feel anything about it.  In truth – ok, youre going to think im a psycho, but i remember when i was watching it on tv in 8th grade civics, i thought it was kind of an exciting action movie.  i remember thinking “here’s some excitement finally in my dull life” .  I didnt really think it had much of anything to do with me, even when the pentagon got hit (which is only 15 minutes from my house).  I mean, no one i knew got hurt.

Post 911, everyone was all sad but i couldnt understand what they were feeling.  i didnt really sympathize for america.  of course i felt bad that all these ppl died, but they were just faces in a newspaper to me.  Personally, even the sniper attacks saddened me more than 911 (even though only 11 ppl died as opposed to thousands).  Yea, i understand that many died in the tower, that many died in trying to rescue the ppl, but NY is so distant, so unrelated to my life.  Close to home in the pentagon, only 21 ppl died.  And then again, i didnt know any of them.

Sigh, at this point, you think im a psycho.  J__ had always told me i was cold hearted.  “I’ve never seen you cry once, except that time you fell off your bike in third grade”.   I was trying to convince her that once time, she and her friend had made fun of me and were so mean to me that i locked myself in her bathroom and came out with red puffy eyes pretending my contacts were bothering me.  She wouldn’t believe me though – “you never cried before just because someone said something mean to you! i mean, you’re so heartless!”

It’s hard for me to explain this to ppl, i’ve only told you and J_.  People will start to think what you’ve no doubt already started to think, that im a self absorbed person with no heart.  See? i told you i was self absorbed.  if something doesnt directly hurt me, if i dont get hurt, or someone i care about, then i couldnt really care less.  I think in a way though, everyone is the same?  do you agree?  people just dont like to admit that they arent the holy, noble, philanthropic person who loves everyone (wow, reduntant).  Maybe they just like keep up that image, or maybe i’m just a shallow bitch and everyone except me does care about everyone.  It would be nice if everyone could care about everyone, but i dont think that’s “the way the cookie crumbles”.