I don’t want to be tired all the time.

I don’t want to be constantly catching up.

I don’t want to always make excuses to other people.

I  don’t want to be me.

I took a nap today, setting the alarm for thirty minutes before my 4:00 meeting. I reached for my phone, assuming I had plenty of time since I hadn’t heard my alarm yet. Fuck. A digital 4:10 and the image of my supervisor stared me down, yelling at me for being late again, asking me what was wrong with my life.

I wish I could say this were an isolated incident, but it’s not. It’s a lifestyle. Last minute emails to my adviser, explaining why I hadn’t finished my thesis draft yet. Flaking on my friends because I had double-booked myself. Canceling appointments, relying on the fact that I was still ‘too sick’ recovering from swine flu.

There are many reasons why I haven’t written anything in two months on my blog. One of them is that I didn’t feel like I needed it. Things were going well in my life, for an extended period of time. I was a senior, I was socializing with friends, I was acing all of my classes. Then I realized that this feeling of being on top of things was just an unstable equilibrium, and any small series of events, like having someone with a panic attack yell at me, like my car breaking down, or like having swine flu and missing a week of classes, will tip me over the edge. And I don’t want to be that person anymore.

It ends today. (Or at least I will try). Even if I only reach that unstable equilibrium again, I just need to climb out of this rut.

No more..

• complaining about my life
• staying up late to get ahead in work
• taking naps during the day
• missing my alarms (set multiple alarms)
• bumming around and feeling guilty about it
• feeling bad for myself